Are Your Relationship Needs Being Met?

What do you really want and need from a relationship?  Are you getting it? Or have you had your heart broken?  Maybe even felt used or taken advantage of verbally, physically or sexually?  Could you possibly even categorize it as an unhealthy or even abusive relationship?  Maybe it left you with an unwanted sexually transmitted infection or pregnancy…

Examine what you really feel you need and want from a relationship and recognize that the physical part of a relationship isn’t going to satisfy or fill your heart over the long run!  Only a deep emotional, loving, selfless connection can do that.  Become what YOU need to be and make sure you’re a whole person yourself, because no one can “complete” you, as romantic as that sounds.  They can only enhance your life.  Never look to someone else for your happiness.

Healthy relationships involve honesty, trust, respect and open communication between partners, and they take effort and compromise from both people. If you feel like your needs aren’t being met in a relationship or that you’re being taken advantage of in some way, sit down and have an honest conversation with your partner and use “I” statements, rather than blaming the other person.  For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” you can say, “I feel unheard when you interrupt me.”

Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.  This can help your partner to feel less blamed and more open to further conversation.  Speak from your perspective and what you’re feeling, rather than accusing them of doing something wrong.  Ask questions to help clarify their perspective and avoid filling the gaps with negative assumptions.  Then listen to your partner and try to understand your partner’s intentions, feelings, need and wants.

If you’re still feeling like you’re not getting the communication and answers that you need or that you’re not being treated right, don’t feel bad about ending the relationship or even taking a break to focus on what you need.   Especially if any kind of abuse is taking place, please get out of the relationship right away but make sure you end it in a public place and consider bringing along a trusted friend.  Know that you did absolutely nothing wrong, even if your partner shifts the blames unto you.  Tell someone you trust and get the help that you need.  Whether that’s talking to a trusted adult or counseling.  Be confident in knowing that there is hope after getting out of a relationship like this, or any relationship.  But take the time to heal and learn from it and grow, knowing what you’re looking for in a new relationship eventually.

To Date or Not to Date...

The question is…. are you ready to date and be in a relationship? Don’t think of it as having to be a specific age like at 14 or 15 you’ll magically be ready, because everyone matures at a different pace.  But these might be some questions you’d want to ask yourself in order to really know if now is a good time or do I have to work on myself a little bit more first?

• Do I have the emotional maturity to experience rejection or a break-up?
• Do I possess the ability to communicate well enough to be in a relationship with others?
• What are my friendships like? Can this help me discern my readiness for dating?
• What areas do I need to grow in, in order to handle the various kinds of experiences I could have in dating?
• Am I a good judge of character?
• Am I secure in myself? Respect myself? Do I know my value?

After considering these questions, it’s possible that the answer is no, I’m not ready to date quite yet.  Just keep in mind, if you are ready, inevitably, there will be some hurt involved.   Even in the scenario where you might meet your childhood sweetheart and eventually get married and live happily-ish ever after, there will still be emotional highs and lows. You will need the help and comfort of your parents or other trusted adults to help coach you through these highs and lows.

It will also be helpful to have conversations with your trusted adults or parents about attraction, expectations, and boundaries. Are you attracted to the right things? Do you only talk about being physically attracted to someone? Or do you think about other reasons for being attracted to someone? Are your expectations around dating too optimistic or too pessimistic? Do you understand appropriate levels of emotional sharing and physical touch?

These are a lot of things to consider. It’s normal to feel a little overwhelmed.  Think about pacing yourself. Take your time, don’t feel like you have to rush into anything.  If anyone makes you feel pressured to hang out with them or always be with them, then that is not the right relationship for you.  Being single is perfectly fine and you have plenty of time to be in a relationship.  So try to take the pressure off of yourself about needing to find that ‘perfect’ person.  If you have any questions about dating or anything related, please feel free to reach out to the REALife team and submit a question as seen on the right hand side of our homepage. 

The Month of Love

With Valentine's Day around the corner, February is often known as the month of love.  Most teens desire to be in a healthy relationship someday, if they aren't already, but all relationships have their ups and downs. So how can you tell if you and your crush are in a healthy relationship that can last or one that will soon pass (or maybe should)?

Ask yourself these questions:

“Do They Respect Me?”

Respect is shown and given through words and actions and applies to you:

• Physically: You feel safe, gently handled, and not threatened when you’re with your partner.
• Emotionally: You feel cared about and not dismissed or disregarded.
• Financially: Your partner is responsible, has his/her own money, and doesn’t take or spend your money without first discussing it with you.
• Verbally: Your partner compliments you and doesn’t engage in name calling or making you the brunt of jokes.
• Materially: Your partner respects your personal possessions and doesn’t discard them or use them without your permission.

Respect should also apply to some degree to your friends and family. These people and relationships are important to you and your partner should respect that. Your partner doesn’t have to have the same level of attachment to them, but they should not fault you for those relationships.

“Do They Encourage Me?”

A healthy relationship adds to your sense of confidence. There shouldn’t be competition between the two of you in attempt to outdo each other.  A healthy love builds you up and increases your self-esteem.  If your relationship makes you feel badly about yourself, or prevents you from being your true self, that is not healthy.

“Do They Accept Me for Who I Am?”

You should be accepted for who you are, and not made to be someone or something you’re not. That being said, we all have areas where we can improve and grow. A healthy relationship accepts you in that process, offering the support needed to help you reach your goals and potential. You should not see each other as an HGTV home improvement project.

“Can We Agree to Disagree?”

Remember that you and your partner are two different people, with two different perspectives that aren’t always going to match. You should be able to respect the differences and work for compromise. When you can’t agree with each other, a healthy relationship can agree to disagree and still maintain a connection and mutual respect. Forgiveness plays an important role as well in a relationship.

“Can We Share Our Feelings and Needs?”

Communication is important, and listening to each other is just as important as talking! You need to be able to communicate your needs and feelings, like and dislikes, dreams and fears -both positives and negatives- in a healthy way. Does your partner give you the time and attention to hear what’s on your heart and mind? Do you do the same for them?  This doesn't mean that you will never argue or disagree, but that when you do, you can try to discuss it without hurting each other.

“Is There Give and Take?”

Balance is key. Too much taking or too much giving in a relationship isn’t healthy; it can lead to resentment. You should be able to support, sacrifice and receive in a balanced way. Your relationship should be an equal one. There should be mutual decision making, compromise, and balance in how money and time is spent and mutual care and respect and open communication where both sides can be heard.

Remember, relationships are a two-way street. If you or your partner does not make the effort to contribute to the relationship in a healthy, positive manner, you may need to reconsider the relationship.

You and your partner should look forward to spending time with each other and feel joy in knowing that you are participating in this relationship. Obviously, everyone has their bad days, but you shouldn’t find yourself always unhappy or wish to change something about yourself. A healthy relationship should leave you able to go to bed happy, knowing that the person you are with is right for you.

Relationships should be a good thing with a special someone who you can count on and care about. Every couple has their issues and bumps in the road, but it is important to figure out if the problem is a kink that can be fixed or a red flag that needs to be analyzed further.

You have to learn to be happy by yourself before you can commit to a relationship with someone else.

High school is a time when you can learn who you want to be and what makes you happy; don’t feel guilty for putting your well-being first before jumping into a relationship. Not all things are meant to be, but it’ll be worth it when you find the one who was meant to be.

How to Survive a Summer Romance

Love is in the air... seashells in your hair, time to enjoy the summer without a care! Ok, so I'm not really a poet. But Summer is an exciting time to enjoy your friends, be carefree, have fun... maybe hang with a new crush!  Here are some guidelines to help you prepare:

• 1. Prepare for fun Summer break should be a time when you relax and have fun and it pays to remember that a summer romance will 'most likely' only last for a couple of weeks (or months) and shouldn’t be taken too seriously. So don’t spend every minute of your break hanging out with that special someone; have some breathing space with your family or friends. Plus, this will make you look mysterious and even more fun to be around.
• 2. Be realistic It’s highly unlikely that this boy or girl will be local to you when you get home, if you're away at school or that it can last throughout the school year.  So even if you both swear to stay in touch the chances are you won’t! For this reason don’t feel too disheartened if they promise to call, text or come and visit and then don’t. Instead end your last day together on a positive note, letting them know how much fun it’s been sharing the summer with them and wish them all the best for the future and when they go back to school.
• 3. Set Boundaries It can be easy to get carried away in the moment and you should make it clear to someone what you are prepared to do… and a stolen kiss, cuddle or holding each other’s hand is more than enough to set your heart a flutter. If someone pressures you to do more, say NO, and don’t be fooled by the line “oh but we will never see each other again”!
• 4. Making memories Of course it’s great to take photos of you and your summer love and to even buy each other little love tokens. But don’t go home and spend time looking over these items time and time again, it will only make you sad. Instead, pop them away in a drawer or box and think of them as a great, but one in a lifetime meeting that was great fun but has now passed. There will be plenty more summer romances in the future.

Relationship Do's & Don'ts

• You can be yourself around him/her.
• You can have different opinions on something, and know that it’s okay.
• You trust each other when you’re not together.
• You aren’t pressured to do things you don’t want to do. (This definitely includes sexual things, but also other things, like going somewhere you don’t want to go, or wearing something you don’t want to wear.)

Some people will drop all their friends after they start dating someone in all of the excitement and newness of a relationship. They might not mean for it to happen, but it still does. Don’t be that person!  You still need your friends and family and that social support if things don't work out in a month or two or even a year or two!  Also, you still need a social life outside your boyfriend or girlfriend.

It’s natural to share interests with the person you’re dating, but you also need to keep developing an identity outside of that person, too. Keep thinking about what you like and what you need. Have an interest that’s just yours. It will improve your self-esteem, and being confident in yourself makes you more likely to be confident in your relationship.

Holiday Teen Dating Advice

1. First and foremost, be yourself. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Be authentic to who you are, so that the other person gets to know the real you.
2. Set boundaries, so you don’t do something you’re not ready to do.
3. Stay away from drama. No one wants to be caught in a stressful, dramatic situation, so keep things open and honest.
4. Never give up your independence. Make sure you’re as good being on your own as you are together.  Hang out in groups and make time for your other friends.
5. Don’t compromise who you are or what you want, no matter what.
6. You’ll get your heart broken, but the pain won’t last forever. And while it may take a while for the hurt to fade, time does heal most heart wounds.
7. Make sure the person you’re with brings out the best in you... if not, it's not a healthy relationship.
8. Breakups STINK, but they’ll show you what kind of a person you want to be and what you want to avoid.
9. Show gratitude when your partner does something special for you. Few things mean more than letting someone know you’re grateful for what they did.
10. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Relationships work in two directions, so if you’re not getting back some version of what you’re putting in, it’s time to move on.  You're worthy!
11. Never assume you know what your partner is thinking. Ask for yourself, so there’s no confusion.
12. Don’t play head games. Say what you mean and what you say so that everyone’s always on the same page.
13. Remember to talk to each other. Because relationships are always a work in progress, you need to keep the lines of communication open.
14. If you’re breaking up with someone, be kind. There’s no easy way to tell someone they’re not The One, so just do it thoughtfully... not through a text!
15. Parents are always there in the wings to help when you need them. So use this as a jumping-off point and just start the conversation.  Believe it or not, they have been there and know what you're going through.

Have a safe, merry and bright Holiday!

Navigating Friendships

Friendship is one of the most consistent and important elements of our relational world. We cannot thrive without them, yet none of us ever took a class on how to establish healthy friendships. We learn by trial and error, getting hurt and hurting others along the way.

I think back to my days in high school and college and cringe at some of the ways I handled friendships and how my insecurities led to joining cliques rather than caring about people. I remember friendships that had unhealthy emotional boundaries or demands. I often “ghosted” friends (even though that wasn’t a term we used back then) when a relationship became uncomfortable.

The truth is that none of us do friendship perfectly, and I’m still learning! But to grow in our friendships, we need to have some gauge for what is healthy. Here are seven aspects of a relationship that can help you assess your friendships and perhaps more importantly, show you how you can become a better friend.

Gradual Disclosure and Trust

Have you ever met someone and instantly declared, “Where have you been all my life? You are my long-lost friend!” While there may be an immediate connection of personality and interests, there is no such thing as instant friendship. Healthy relationships can only develop over time and seasons. You cannot trust someone you don’t know, and you cannot know someone you haven’t walked some miles with.

During seasons of loneliness, we might force trust and companionship before allowing them time to develop. When we are insecure, we can find ourselves oversharing with a new friend, giving them the chance to reject us before we become too attached. If you find yourself repeating these patterns, you may need to be intentional about measured disclosure, slowly sharing more about yourself as you establish trust. Focus on listening and asking questions rather than succumbing to the pressure to reveal too much too soon. Give the friendship room to breathe and time to grow naturally.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are probably the trickiest element to friendship. How much should you depend on one another? You become friends because at some level you meet each other’s needs: needs for companionship, reassurance, and recreation. So when does dependency become unhealthy?

Friendships may become destructive when they are exclusive. Please don’t misunderstand; there is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time one-on-one with a friend. Deep friendships are nurtured during time alone because this is often when you can share with each other most vulnerably. But your friendships also need to involve an element of community.

Jealousy is a red flag of unhealthy dependency in friendships. Do you cheer for your friend to have other important people in their life, or do you feel threatened by that idea? While you depend on your friends, you also need to be able survive without them should one not be available during a season. We were created for community. Close friendships are an important part of that equation but cannot be our sole source of comfort and companionship.

The line between healthy and unhealthy dependence is a tough one to balance. None of us naturally do it perfectly. We will have tendencies to be either too distant or clingy. This is one reason having others involved in your friendships can give you helpful insight into dynamics you may not see clearly.

Flexible Roles

Personalities definitely play into how we navigate relationships. Some people are more assertive or talkative than others, but friendships become unhealthy when you fall into inflexible roles. If every time you get together with a friend, the conversation revolves around you trying to solve her problems, that’s not a healthy friendship. If you have a friend who never reaches out, you will probably be frustrated with that over time.

Healthy friendships develop a rhythm of give and take. You care about each other and lean on one another as the season dictates. You both have your own way of investing in your relationship without one person feeling like they need to keep the friendship alive.

Realistic Expectations

Imagine sitting down with a new friend and spelling out specifically what you can expect from each other. What if you actually negotiated things like how long it should take you to reply to a text or how often you plan to hang out with each other? That would just be weird!

Yet you still come to every friendship with a set of expectations. This is why you get frustrated and hurt when your friend doesn’t respond like you think he or she should. It is also why you might feel smothered by a friend who won’t stop messaging you.

Healthy friends give each other room for differing expectations. My friends over time have learned that I’m not a detail person, so I might forget a birthday. I’m also an introvert who likes deep, meaningful connections. I might not see or talk to my best friends for several months and still feel deeply connected to them when we get together. I also have learned to understand that my friends have their own unique needs and expectations that I need to be aware of.

While you probably won’t have that awkward conversation about expectations, learn to pay attention to what is meaningful to your friends. As you understand this, you will become less likely to misinterpret actions or hurt each other without realizing it.

Ability To Endure Through Hardship

Perhaps one of the most important qualities of a deep friendship is loyalty through conflict. You cannot have a significant relationship without hurt feelings and disagreements—they just come with the territory.

When we talk about family relationships like marriage or siblings, we put a lot of emphasis on working through conflict. But what about friendship? In some ways, this might be even more important to our friendships. It’s far easier to walk away from a friend than to walk away from your family.

It takes determination and love to hang in there with a friend through hurt feelings and significant disagreements.  Are your friendships disposable and replaceable, or are you willing to work through the hard things together?

Grace To Accept You for Who You Are

I have some friends with whom I feel like I need to be on “my best behavior.” I pay more attention to how I’m dressed, how neat my house looks, or what I share. (I’m sure some people feel that way about me too!) But my best friends are those few who love me with all of my quirks and limitations. Within ten minutes, we can dive into the realities of life, delighting in the uniqueness of our personalities and experiences.

This is the kind of friend that we most desire and that we need to become. We live in a world that consistently judges. Without even realizing it, we size people up by their appearance, their accomplishments, how they carry themselves, and their opinions.  Let's try to see people for who they really are, their character too, while also accepting their limitations and imperfections.

Willingness To Speak Hard Truths in Love

Accepting people just as they are does not mean that we fail to challenge one another.  Your best friends need to be people who challenge you to grow. In love and grace, they confront you when it’s necessary, instead of always taking your side for the sake of keeping the peace.

Good friends “have your back.” While they don’t gossip about you, they display the courage to tell you the truth in love.  I once heard a statement that deeply challenged me in my friendships: “Gossip is saying something behind someone’s back you would never say to their face. Flattery is saying something to someone’s face that you would never say behind their back.”

Throughout our lifetime, we will all need good friends—those who will comfort us, remain loyal through difficult times, tell us the truth, and encourage us. I'm thankful for good friendships and hope to be a friend that is truly a blessing to others as well!

Juli Slattery (6/22/2022)

Safety & Prevention: Sexual Violence

Sexual violence is any sexual activity when consent is not freely given. Sexual violence can impact anyone of any age, any gender, any sexual orientation. And it’s very common. According to the CDC, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience sexual violence during their lifetime. 1 in 3 female rape victims report that they first experienced sexual assault between ages 11 and 17. And nearly 1 in 4 male rape victims first experienced sexual assault between ages 11 and 17.

The statistics are startling and heartbreaking. So if you’re a parent, how do you protect your children? And if you’re a student, how do you protect yourself?

Understand consent. Everyone should ask for consent before touching another person. And kissing or touching require an enthusiastic yes, or it’s a no.

Be an active, helpful bystander. Sexual assault – or any kind of assault – is less likely to happen if we’re looking out for each other. There are some ways we can help each other and create a culture with social norms that discourage sexual violence. Speak up against sexist or homophobic jokes. Confront abusive behavior if it’s safe to do so or get help if it’s not safe to intervene. Keep an eye on people in vulnerable situations. Step in and say something or do something to stop sexual assault. And help friends get home or to a safe location if they’re vulnerable to assault.

Protect boundaries. It’s healthy to have physical boundaries. You decide who can touch you, when you want to be touched, how much you want to be touched, and where you want to be touched. It’s also healthy to have emotional boundaries. You get to decide how close you feel to a person and what information you want to share with that person. Not everybody gets to know all your business or the details of your life. You get to make that choice. And you get to decide what your behavioral boundaries are – what you will or will not do and what rules or moral guidelines you have for yourself. If someone violates your boundaries, you can speak up or get help to protect your boundaries. Sometimes an acquaintance or friend or boyfriend will test boundaries before progressing to sexual assault, so speak up at the first sign that your boundaries aren’t being respected.

Practice safe dating. Nobody ever deserves to be sexually assaulted, and nothing you do ever makes it OK for someone to assault you. Having said that, there are some things you can do to help protect yourself.

• Date in public places. Though it might be fun and less expensive to watch Netflix in the basement, you’ll be safer in a public place.
• Double date or group date – especially if you do want to watch a movie at home. This way, you and your friends can keep an eye on each other.
• Keep watch on your food and drink. We never want to think that someone would slip us drugs in order to make us disoriented or unconscious, but it does happen. Only drink what you open yourself or what you watch prepared by a server/bartender. And don’t leave any food or drink unattended.
• Limit alcohol. (Obviously, if you’re underage, it’s best not to drink alcohol at all.) Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and makes it easier for you to be convinced to go off alone. Too much alcohol can make you lose the ability to protect yourself, so if you’re tipsy or drunk, you’re a target for predators.
• Provide your own transportation. You’re vulnerable when you’re depending on someone else for a ride. Really, you’re at the mercy of the driver. If you drive yourself, you won’t be trapped in a car with someone who wants to sexually assault you.
• Protect yourself. Carry pepper spray with you, so you can spray an attacker and run.
• Only invite people you know very well into your home. Coming into your personal space is a privilege and should be gradually earned over time.
• Trust your gut. If you have an off feeling about someone, trust that. And if you get an uneasy feeling, feel free to leave the date early or refuse any future dates. Don’t worry about seeming rude. Your safety is more important than your coming across as nice or polite. If something feels wrong, go ahead and bail on the date.

These are some strategies to help protect ourselves and minimize the risk of sexual assault. Sadly, though, there isn’t a way to 100% protect ourselves from sexual assault. Evil people will find ways to be evil. Sometimes, even if we do everything we can to protect ourselves, sexual assault still happens.

If you’re a survivor of sexual assault and you need to talk to someone, call us and we’ll listen and connect you to the people who can best help you. Trauma from sexual assault can have a major impact on your life and might be something you need help dealing with – even years or decades later. The big thing we want you to know is that you didn’t do anything to cause sexual assault and you aren’t to blame for what happened to you. You are valuable and you deserve to be healthy and whole.

Healthy Friendships, Relationships and Boundaries

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices.” -Henry Cloud, Boundaries.

I love this quote because oftentimes when we here the word boundaries, we automatically think of it as a bad thing. However, if we didn't set boundaries and said 'yes' to everything in our life, think how overwhelmed we would feel!  Boundaries can show up in many different ways in our life, in friendships or other relationships, with activities, personal space, touch, family, time, social media, etc...

Let's talk about boundaries within friendships first, which is critically important.  You want to address conflict head-on, but with kindness, rather than letting it fester... or talking about it endlessly with other people.  Remember that your value and worth is never determined by someone else's opinion of you.  So be confident and confront your friends that may be unkind or unfair and know that it's ok to say "no" and remove yourself from the situation if need be.  You can always  leave a situation and/or a friendship that is making you feel unvalued, or uncomfortable, no matter what!

You should know that:

• Your body is GOOD.
• Your body is beautiful, strong, and capable.
• Your body is wonderfully made.
• Your body is YOUR OWN.
• That absolutely no one has the right to touch YOUR body without YOUR consent.
• Come up with a  step-by-step action plan if anyone violates your bodily boundaries.

Also, please remember that Tweens and Teens need breaks from technology and social media for their mental well-being. In fact, some studies have linked excessive screen time to sleep problems, impulsive behavior, reduced emotional regulation, social problems, and increased aggression.  So please don't think you have to connect with your friends 24/7, but give yourself some needed down-time in order to rest and recoup.

Middle school and high school are tough, but with carefully placed boundaries, you can emerge healthy, happy, and with stronger relationships!

Done with Crappy Relationships

Do you ever wonder if you're in a toxic relationship?  Maybe you’ve been there, or know someone who has.

Maybe you find yourself in a dating relationship in which things aren’t the way you had hoped.

Maybe the disappointment has just started settling in — or maybe you’ve been struggling for awhile.

Maybe you’ve even spent your energy trying to block out the still, small, voice telling you that something just isn’t right. And now, here it is again.  Ugghh, I hate that feeling!

There's something in your relationship that’s just not the way it should be. Something is wrong.

Maybe it’s that guy, who doesn’t seem to be as interested in you as you are in him.

Maybe it’s the girl who never seems to take initiative in your relationship.

Maybe it’s that person who keeps saying “I’m going to change” and then never does.

Maybe it’s that nasty argument you had last night, that keeps happening again, and again, and again, like a bad song on repeat.

Maybe it’s those lies and secrets that you keep trying to pretend don’t exist.

Maybe it’s the fact that you’re not, and never have been, on the same page with your values and what's most important to you.

Maybe it’s because you find yourself always having to be someone you’re not.

Maybe it’s that on again, off again, emotional roller coaster ride that you’ve been dealing with for way too long.

Or maybe, just maybe, it’s even more severe.

Maybe it’s abuse.

Maybe it’s addictions.

Maybe it’s betrayal.

A toxic relationship can come in many forms. No matter what it is for you, crappy relationships exist when there’s a pattern of unhealthy behaviors, feelings, or interactions in a dating relationship. Things that keep coming up, time and time again. Unhealthy patterns that aren’t changing and aren’t going away.

Sometimes, you can be in a relationship for so long that you stop seeing how unhealthy it really is until someone points it out. And even then, you try to make excuses. You try to ignore it. You try to pretend that it’s all okay. But deep down, in the silence and quiet of the night, you find yourself struggling with that sinking feeling.

How did I end up here?

I wish I could answer that question for you. I wish I could sit down with you, and hear your entire story from start to finish, and help you work through that important question.

But what I will tell you is this: the more you love yourself, the faster you’ll notice when something in a relationship just isn’t right.

The more you love yourself, the easier it will be to recognize a relationship in which you’re not really loved.

Because LOVE isn’t a feeling. It’s not an empty word.

Love is a decision.

Love is not just something we feel, love is something we see. It’s an action played out day in and day out that portrays patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. It doesn’t display envy, it’s not rude, and it’s not arrogant.

Love is a choice someone makes to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Anything less than that, is not really love at all.

And maybe you know that. But maybe, just maybe, you just needed to hear it again. Because the truth is, relationships don’t just magically change some day.... or in marriage.  What you see in dating, you will ALWAYS see in marriage…multiplied by a factor of one hundred. Because marriage is like a pressure cooker, and everything you put in there get’s magnified and intensified. So if there’s something in a relationship that’s not changing…maybe it’s time to let it go.

My hope for you is that this coming year you learn to see yourself for what you are TRULY WORTH. Loved, valued, and worthy…this is who YOU are!  Whoever you are, whatever you’re going through, and whatever you’ve done…May this be your year of new beginnings. May this be the year that you finally LET GO of crappy relationships once and for all, and open your heart to something greater.

Dating Differently This School Year

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE SOMETHING YOU MAKE, NOT SOMETHING YOU FIND

When it comes to dating and relationships, you can’t just keep doing the same things over again and expect different results. If you want better relationships, you’ve got to start by making wiser, better, and healthier choices!

As you reflect on what you want out of your relationships this upcoming year, here are some mistakes that you may need to recognize that you’ve made and then try to engage in healthier dating relationships:

Dating Mistakes: #1 – Stop Letting the Wrong People Into Your Life

One of the biggest relationship mistakes people make has less to do with what they do in a relationship, and more to do with who they choose to enter a relationship with.

We can spend so much time thinking about what we want in someone without ever taking the time to think through what we don’t want—and what we won’t settle for. When it comes to finding love, there are some red flags that simply cannot be ignored if we want to be in a healthy relationship.

Think through the people you allowed into your life and ask yourself if they were the kind of people who built you up, or tore you down. Healthy relationships will always add more to your life than they take.

Dating Mistakes: #2 – Don’t Allow Your Physical Relationship to Lead the Way

And we’re not just talking about sex here.

When it comes to dating, it’s easy to allow the physical interactions of your relationship to take the lead before you know what happened. But over and over again I hear from teens that they regret getting physical too soon!

There is certainly a time and place for physical affection in a dating relationship, but letting the physical lead the way will always skew your judgment, heighten your emotions and fool you in one way or another. When the physical attributes of your relationship take control, they have the power to ruin a relationship. That’s something worth avoiding as you strive for healthy relationships.

Dating Mistakes: #3 – Stop Believing that You Are Worth Less

There is so much truth to the concept that you will always attract the kind of relationship you believe you deserve. We tend to both attract and choose people who are similar to us in our level of emotional and spiritual health. In the end, we always attract the kind of relationship we think we’re worth. 

Maybe part of the problems you’ve had in your past is that you didn’t believe you are worth more. Maybe you’ve allowed yourself to settle for relationships that you knew, deep down, were not for your good. As you move into this new school year, take the time to consider what you are worth and how that plays into your relationship choices.

Dating App Safety

There’s an app for just about everything.

We order our Sonic limeade with an app, then swing by to pick it up. We keep track of our coffee reward points with our Starbucks app. Want to deposit a check but don’t want to drive to the bank? Open the banking app, snap a photo of the check, push a button, and it’s magically deposited in the account. Need to borrow 5 dollars? No problem! I’ll pay for you, and you can Venmo me the money. See? We’ve even turned the names of the apps into verbs!

So it isn’t surprising that our dating lives revolve around apps too. Though online dating used to have a stigma or seem like a big deal, now it’s just a given part of living in a digital age. Tinder, OKCupid, Bumble, PlentyOfFish, Hinge, Match — and the list just continues to grow. Finding a date through an app is the normal way to date now.

But what should you know before you swipe right? Here are a few things to keep in mind regarding dating app safety.

• Be cautious about connecting your dating app with your social media accounts. Some of the dating apps are tied to your social media and find matches for you based on mutual friends or mutual likes and interests and location check-ins. That could be convenient. But you probably don’t want strangers to have access to information about you. It’s a good idea to give away as little identifying information about yourself in your dating profile. This protects you from the people who use dating apps for creepy reasons. Don’t use your last name. Don’t give out any information that lets strangers know exactly who you are, where you live or work, or how to find you.
• Don’t use the same photo you use for social media. It’s the same principle. To protect yourself, you need to protect your full identity from the broad audience of dating apps. It’s easy to do a reverse image search through Google. If you use the same photo for a dating app that you use in your Facebook or Twitter profile pic, anyone can find you in real life.
• Be aware of location settings. A lot of dating apps will use your location, but people who look at your profile shouldn’t be able to see exactly where you are. Make sure your settings don’t let them.
• Send messages only through the app. Again, this protects you. It’s risky to give out your real phone number. So send messages through the app rather than sending texts through your phone. And if you do decide to talk on the phone before you meet up in real life, get a Google phone number. It’s free, and it routes the call through the Google number rather than giving your actual phone number to this random person you don’t really know.
• Get to know each other, but don’t give out too much information too early. As you send messages back and forth getting to know each other, be on guard. Don’t give out too much information. Unfortunately, some people join dating apps with sinister plans. You deserve to protect yourself from having your identity stolen, from being stalked, from being assaulted.
• Guard your personal information as you’re getting to know someone. You aren’t being rude; you’re being wise.
• You may not be talking to the person you think you are. That 22-year-old Brandon you’re talking to may actually be 40-year-old Sue or 50-year-old Dan. Have you seen the show Catfish? There’s a reason that show’s been on since 2012. There are people who pretend to be someone online that they aren’t in real life.
• Be prepared for the worst. The jokes and stereotypes about dating apps exist for a reason. You might get a message with sexist comments, lewd suggestions, or unsolicited nude photos. Report anyone who violates the app’s policies, and practices using features that let you block the creeps.
• When you meet up, meet in a public place. Only meet in a place with a lot of people around. You have no idea who you’re actually meeting. Again, you deserve protection from anyone with bad intentions. And you’re further protected if you meet in the daylight in a non-drinking environment for the first date.
• Share your geolocation with a trusted friend. If a couple of friends can’t go along when you meet up with your dating app match, at least share your location with them. While you’re at it, make sure a friend has the name of the person you’re meeting up with.
• Drive yourself. Or get a friend to drive you. But don’t rely on your date for a ride. Remember how your parents told you not to get into the car with strangers? It’s still a good policy. Again – you aren’t being rude. And if your date tries to pressure you to ride to a second location with him or to let him drive you home, it’s ok to kindly and firmly refuse. It isn’t rude to protect yourself. And it’s OK not to trust someone you just met.
• Before you are ever alone with a date, know him. Know his full name. Know his address. Know what his job is or where he goes to school. Talk to his friends. Until you really know him and the people who know him, he’s a stranger. Even if you’ve spent hours messaging back and forth through an app, he’s a stranger. Treat him like a stranger until you really know him and his people.
• Carry cash and your phone in your pocket. If your purse gets stolen, you’ll have some money and your phone with you.
• Trust your instincts. If you feel unsafe – or even unsettled – trust your gut. Often our guts pick up on subtle things before our brains register information. If you don’t feel safe or if you feel uncomfortable, call a friend and leave. Have the friend meet you in another public place, so you can be sure your dating app match isn’t following you home.

Dating apps can be a fun way to meet someone new – if you are safe and protect yourself in the process. Remember – it’s never rude to protect yourself. And being safe is so much more important than being nice. So guard your personal information, refuse that ride home, don’t be alone with him, trust your gut, and share your location with a friend – there’s an app for that!

https://collagecenter.com/dating-app-safety/

Are You Sure You're in Love?

When you finally meet someone who you really connect with and just 'gets you,' you want to spend as much time as possible with them and find yourself getting into some of the same things they do.  Whether it's trying new foods they like, music they enjoy, sports or other activities... it can be great to try new things!  But if you're a little older or done with school, sometimes it can be tempting to 'lock' yourself in with this person by doing things like a joint cell phone plan (because it's cheaper), getting a dog or other pet together, applying for a lease on a car or even signing a lease on an apartment!

The problem is, when you first fall for someone, the brain releases an abnormal amount of chemicals into the body, affecting how we think and feel.  Chemicals like dopamine, Norepinephrine, and Oxytocin can make you feel like you're in an altered state of mine and cause you to do things that you normally wouldn't do or lock you into the other person.  But eventually you come down off that 'high' and in many cases, realize it's not someone you see yourself with forever.  However, you already locked yourself in without giving yourself the chance to come too and see things clearly.

So what might be a better way?  Take your time, enjoy getting to know each other but leave out the things that might 'lock' you together, making it harder to break up in case you realize this is not your forever person.  Do the things that bring you closer, not slide into the things that lock you in!  This 4 minute video below is amazing and really sums this all up perfectly!

Do You Have a Healthy Relationship - with Social Media?

Social media isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, so since teens and young adults are known to spend several hours a day on it, it’s best to know some basic etiquette to keep us on the same page and to be sure we’re respecting one another.

First off, you don’t HAVE to follow any specific accounts or particular people. But if you are, make sure they aren’t making you feel badly or insecure about yourself. If they trigger you in any way, just UNFOLLOW them and don’t feel bad about it!! Your emotional health should definitely be the #1 priority.

Secondly, believe it or not, you’re probably not going to persuade strangers to change their beliefs on any given subject, be it politics or whatever the hot topic of the moment is. So understanding that upfront will help you to navigate how persuasive you are in your posts!

Thirdly, and probably most importantly, avoid oversharing on social media. If you’re going through a tough time, call or text a trusted friend first, before blasting it all over the internet. Sometimes our posts aren’t interpreted how we intended them to be or people can take screenshots of what you say and use it against you later. People can also make assumptions about you or gossip about you, and unfair as it may be, maybe not forgive you for something you said as well. It’s best to take a moment and really think about what you’re going to share because it’s going to be ‘out there’ forever.

Anxious? Depressed? You're Not Alone

If you’re feeling anxiety, depression or loneliness during this whole pandemic thing… you’re not alone! Approximately 70% of young people reported feeling this very way about Covid and all the unique circumstances it can bring about. Remote learning and lockdowns can bring about isolation for a lot of young people and it’s hard not to be around your friends and doing all of your normal routines and activities! I’m sure most of you had a full schedule even after school with sports, clubs, lessons and friends. So not being able to be in school or partially remote, and staring at a computer screen for most of the day can be pretty boring, isolating, and can bring about feelings of anxiousness that maybe you never experienced before.

According to a New York Time’s article from November 12th, Aya Raji’s days were jam-packed, pre-pandemic. She woke up at 6:30 a.m. and took the subway to school. At night, she practiced kick-flips with her skateboarding club and hosted “Twilight” movie nights for friends.

Once her school in Brooklyn turned to remote learning, starting last spring and continuing this fall, the days grew long and lonely. Nothing could distract her from the bleak news, as she stared at her laptop for hours during virtual class. She couldn’t sleep, up until 4 a.m., her mind racing with anxiety.

“I felt like I was trapped in my own little house and everyone was far away,” Aya, 14, said. “When you’re with friends, you’re completely distracted and you don’t think about the bad stuff going on. During the beginning of quarantine, I was so alone. All the sad things I used to brush off, I realized I couldn’t brush them off anymore.”

Students like Aya felt some relief earlier this fall, when their schools opened with a blend of remote and in-person learning, although the rigid rules and social distancing required during the pandemic still made it rough to connect. And now, with coronavirus caseloads at record levels across the country, many schools are returning to remote classes, at least temporarily through part of the winter.

A lot of teens really depend on their friends and socializing in order to navigate their high school years, as well as to maintain a sense of self-worth and help manage any anxiety or depression. So if you’re feeling like this, you’re definitely not alone! Especially if you’ve been experiencing any of these symptoms, like severe risk-taking behavior, significant weight loss, excessive use of drugs or alcohol and any drastic changes in mood… please reach out to one of your parents or guardians or another trusted adult to get some help!

I think it’s also helpful to just remind each other that this is temporary, right? I know we thought initially it might only be a few weeks or months, so now that it’s dragged on for almost a year, I feel like it’s getting harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But keeping things in perspective and that it might only be a few more months, helps me to have hope and think more positively for the future and not just focus on my circumstances at the moment.

Lauren C. - REALife Teen Director

A Few Things to Know if You're Sexually Active

If you’re sexually active, here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself?

Is it really a big deal to get tested for STDs (sexually transmitted diseases)?

In short — yes, it’s very important. Even though it can be scary to think about the possibility of getting bad news — or it can be worrisome to wonder how an STD diagnosis might affect a relationship, it’s still important to get tested. And it’s important to get tested if you’ve been sexually active – even if you don’t have any symptoms. Because many STDs don’t have any noticeable symptoms at all.

Why is it important to get tested? 

It’s important to get tested so that you don’t inadvertently infect other people. If you don’t know you have an STD, you may spread that infection to a partner without realizing it.

It’s also important to get tested so that you can get treatment for the STD.

If you always use condoms, do you still need to be tested? 

Yes. Condoms are not 100% effective in preventing the spread of infections. Some STDs can be spread by skin-to-skin contact in the genital area that’s not covered by a condom.

If there aren’t any symptoms, why would you need treatment? 

That’s a reasonable question. If you don’t feel sick or you aren’t having any problems, why would you need to get treatment? Because left untreated, STDs can cause some pretty major complications.

• Future infertility
• Endanger a future or current pregnancy
• Increase your risk for HIV (the virus that can lead to AIDS)
• Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID)
• Bladder problems
• Liver cancer or cirrhosis
• Cervical cancer
• Anal cancer
• Blindness
• Dementia
• Damage to other organs
• Reduced life expectancy

We aren’t listing these potential complications to scare you, but it’s important that you understand the risks. Many of these physical complications can be avoided if you get tested for STDs and receive the appropriate treatment. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) recommends yearly screening for certain STDs for anyone under age 25 who is sexually active and for anyone older who has a new sex partner, multiple sex partners, or anyone who has had any sort of sexual activity with someone who has an STD.

What are other effects of STDs? 

Carrying a disease or infection in your body can cause physical damage, but STDs can also be difficult on your emotional and relational health.

For many people, there’s still a stigma to an STD diagnosis. Some people feel like only certain types of women get STDs. So you may avoid testing because you aren’t that type of woman or because you don’t want to be labeled that type of woman. But the truth is that you can get an STD after any type of sexual activity, even if you only do it one time. According to the CDC, there were nearly two and a half million cases of STDs reported in 2018. Sexual health is a legitimate health concern for everyone.

If you have been diagnosed with an STD or if you think you may have one, it’s important to talk to someone who may help you break through the stigma and shame. You don’t have to carry shame and emotional trauma on top of the physical effects.

An STD can also be a challenge for relationships to overcome. It can be a challenge for a current relationship, but it will also come up in future relationships. Because this subject is so emotionally charged, it can bring our worst fears and biggest insecurities to the surface. And these feelings impact relationships. It’s completely normal for partners to need time to process the emotions around an STD diagnosis. And it’s possible that an STD will be a deal-breaker in relationships.

We’re a culture of instant gratification. And sometimes we don’t pause to consider the long-term effects of our choices. The desire for sex and for physical connection is normal. But it’s important to remember that the choices we make today affect our future. You deserve good physical and emotional health today and in the future, and you deserve strong, connected relationships today and in the future. We want you to feel empowered to make choices with knowledge and confidence so that you take the best care of yourself – your current self and your future self.

How can you best protect yourself from getting an STD?

The only way to completely avoid an STD is not to have vaginal, anal, or oral sex.

You can reduce your risk by having sex only in a long-term, mutually monogamous relationship, such as marriage, for example (you both only ever have sex with each other and you know neither of you has an STD).

You can talk to your medical provider about ways to lower your risk or to schedule a test or to talk about treatment.

If you’re sexually active and don’t have a medical provider or you don’t feel comfortable talking to your doctor, you can message us to set up a confidential appointment to discuss STD testing and so we can help you get the resources you need to be healthy.

Adapted from CollageCenter

What Makes You Feel Loved?

Have you ever noticed that some people really love receiving gifts from people? But maybe you're someone that would rather just spend good quality time with them instead?  Or maybe a compliment would really brighten your day and make you feel special! Or maybe it’s a hug?  This is because we all feel and experience love in a different way! It's important to recognize how you best feel love, as well as the others in your life - whether it's your parents, siblings, boyfriend/girlfriend or best friend! Watch the video and take the quiz below to figure out what YOUR love language is!

Here is a virtual quiz that you can take to find out what YOUR love language is:  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizze...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVPyrKgc8Ng&t=0s

Lauren C.

Real Vs Counterfeit Relationships

Do you know how a bank trains their tellers to tell if money is counterfeit or not? You would think it's by holding it up to the light or doing the marker swipe that you may sometimes see in stores. Or maybe they have some fancy machine that they run it through...

but it's actually something else! Check out this video to see what they do and how we can relate that to REAL VS COUNTERFEIT love in a relationship. Do you have to compromise your values or goals in the relationship? Can you resolve conflicts? Do you have freedom to be who you are or are you trying to be what you think the other person wants? Find out the answers in this video from our REALife Director, Lauren!

Friendship Matters

With school starting in just a few short weeks, I was starting to think about the friends that we have.  Friendships are so important at every age, and everyone has a desire to be loved and wanted by others. Sometimes it can seem like the only thing that matters. We might even be tempted to think that the more friends, the better and the happier you’ll be! We can easily get caught up in just trying to seek approval from others as well as comparing ourselves to them. So it’s really important to do a self-assessment and figure out if our friends share a lot of the same values and goals as us, or if it’s only the superficial things that really matter to us right now. Are you just trying to fit in at any cost?  How would you describe some of your best friends? What do you like about them (are they funny, have similar interests, loyal, fun, can talk about anything, etc…)?  Are you trying so hard to fit in and be just like them that you’re scooping to their level and doing exactly everything that they do, even if you felt like it wasn't right? It doesn’t matter if you go to Public school or Private school, you can still find all of the different cliques there; the athletes, popular kids, partiers, ‘smart’ kids, mean girls, hipsters, gamers and trouble makers, to name a few! Your friends truly do matter!  So you want to pick wisely because they will definitely influence a lot of your future decisions, for better or worse.

Even now, as an adult, I sometimes struggle with the feelings of just wanting to fit in with my friends or can catch myself making comparisons. And you might feel like that sometimes too, but our individual uniqueness is very important. It’s what makes us who we are and you are just how you’re supposed to be! We should think along the lines of how can I be contributing to our schools, communities, or in relationships based on the talents that I have?  What's something that I really excel at and do best… whether it’s a specific part-time job like babysitting (because you’re really good with little kids or the only person who can get a baby to stop crying), or a role in the play, a sport that you excel at or you're a dancer (and can teach others just starting out).  Figure out what it is that you can contribute to others around you.  It’s also important to keep healthy relationships around you so that you’re able to grow and learn about yourself and the other person. Sometimes our uniqueness or our values don’t match up with another persons and so trying to make that friendship or relationship work may not be the best option…. So just be you!! Be unapologetically YOUnique!

Lauren C.

STD's and The Wheel of Misfortune

Today we're talking about everyone's favorite topic, Sexually Transmitted Infections! A real reality for anyone who's sexually active. Do you know your disease exposure rate? Let's see what we land on for our Wheel of Misfortune and find out some facts about STIs that you might not have known!  Watch our video below and make sure you contact us or leave a comment on YouTube if you have a question about something we talked about or maybe a STI that we didn't get to mention.

Attention Teen Girls, Join our Summer Book Club!

Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Relationships

It’s week 2 of our video release and this time we have our REALife Director, Lauren, talking about how to tell if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy!  Some of the good traits she’ll be discussing are honesty, accountability, good communication and being supportive.  You’ll have to watch the video to see what some of the unhealthy traits are and be sure to play along with our Relationship Flag game to see if you know the correct answer!  Make sure you give us a thumbs up on YouTube and subscribe to see more videos each week!

Lovestruck

Second week of Social Distancing… aka, Quarantined and Going Out of My Mind!

If you're feeling a little cooped up and need another outlet for all of that pent up energy, we got you covered!  Who doesn't LOVE to dance!? Especially when it's with Lauren Panzica, a millennial who runs a dance school for inner city kids in NYC, called Greenhouse Arts.  She has such a passion for youth and helping others and has graciously created some fun instructional dance videos for families to do at home. These will definitely keep you moving and interacting indoors after doing your school work!  So much better than gym class, right!? Don't tell your phys ed teacher I said that… Lauren is "on a mission to use the arts to make a difference in the world." So come join the adventure and click the link below in order to learn the dance moves!  https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0nSQw2VtoXDqjBBjwh7RlDO3hWoHrGjX.  She has both instructional and dance videos to some fun songs like, "What Makes you Beautiful," by One Direction, "It's Going to be a Lovely Day," by LunchMoney Lewis, "Run Like the River," by Meghan Trainor and "Waka Waka", by none other than Shikara of course!   So have fun, let loose, while losing a few extra L-B's, because we know you already ate all of your quarantine snacks in the first few days!! Also, if you have any relationship questions, please contact us below or on the 'contact us' page and we'd love to help you out anytime!

5 Ideas to Navigate Life Under Quarantine

In an effort to flatten the curve as the coronavirus takes hold in the US, social distancing is in full effect. And although staying inside is the best thing you can do right now, isolating yourself can be lonely, anxiety-inducing, and downright boring. Am I right?? If you’re already beginning to feel stir-crazy after finishing your school work, it may be time to try your hand at a new hobby or another time-consuming activity—so let’s talk about some of the best ways to pass the time. Here are 5 to get you started:

1.) Get Cooking!
Try one of those subscription delivery kits like Hello Fresh, Green Chef, Dinnerly, or Plated, to name a few (and YES, I have tried ALL of them). I literally feel like I’ve accomplished something major after plating such a delicious “professional” looking meal. And it’s so easy with all of the directions (and usually pictures too), that anyone could do it! Trust me, if I can, YOU can! Bonus: You’ll totally surprise your family (a good surprise, for once haha) and if a subscription’s not in the budget or you don’t feel like waiting a week for your delivery, just look up any recipe on line with ingredients that you already have in the fridge or pantry!

2.) Learn to Play a New Musical Instrument
So my 9 year old niece introduced me to this really cool app that taught her how to play the piano, it’s called Simply Piano and even better, it’s free! It’s pretty simple (hence the name) and I’m amazed at how quickly she seemed to pick it up. You’re still going to have to practice though! Some other great music apps that are also free are Yousician, Uberchord, SingTrue and Tiny Piano. Your best buds will be singing along with you in no time and impressed by your new skilllzzzz.

3.) Read a Book!
Not one that you have to read for school, but one that you want to read and have been meaning to for the past year or so! So brush off that dust and get lost in a good drama, mystery, love story, or whatever your genre of choice is (or ask a friend to borrow one and leave it on the front porch for easy peasy social distancing approved pick-up).

4.) Organize Your Closet
I know, I know… this one just doesn’t sound as much fun, but it really can be with the right tunes in the background! Besides that, Spring is right around the corner, which means warmer weather and a wardrobe boost is in order! Try some stuff on and see what still fits you. If it doesn’t fit or you don’t love it, you can donate it or sell for some quick extra cash on Facebook Marketplace, Ebay, Letgo or Mercari. Another option is to make a pile to trade later with friends or pass down to your younger sibs who would probably love your hand-me-downs, well, mostly!

5.) Get Movin’!
And by moving, I mean workout! Physical activity is a great way to relieve stress and anxiety, put you in a better mood (because of the feel-good chemicals called endorphins that the brain releases), and enhance your self-esteem! There are so many great videos on YouTube that use just your body weight or other household items, such as a can of food or water bottles for weights. You can also use resistance bands or small free weights if you have them around or just go outside for a brisk walk or jog! Either way, it’ll definitely make you feel better to get outdoors for a little bit each day, just remember the 6 foot rule for any passers by.

Lauren C.

How to Understand Your Self-Worth

We live in a comparison culture. Advertising, traditional media, and social media seem to be built on comparisons. And we’re often comparing all the ugly truth we know about ourselves with someone else’s carefully curated social media image. Someone once said it’s like we’re comparing our own blooper reel to someone else’s highlight reel — our worst with their best.

The constant barrage of other people’s filtered photos — their perfect-looking vacations, their Pinterest-worthy outfits, their 20 best minutes of the week. All of it can make us feel less-than. Less pretty. Less successful. Less fun. Less worthy.

And when we aren’t feeling our own self-worth, we’re more likely to get caught up in relationships and behaviors that don’t place value on us. We’re less likely to set healthy boundaries or set high enough standards for how others treat us if we don’t see our own self-worth.

So how can we build self-esteem? How can we better see our own self-worth? Well, we don’t have all the answers, but we came up with 6 things you can do to help you feel your own self-worth.

1. Surround yourself with people who build you up. Obviously, some of us have parents or family members who tend to tear us down or make us feel criticized. There’s nothing we can do about that. If you’re under a certain age, you may not have a choice about whether to be around those people. But you can choose friends who build you up, friends who recognize the beauty in you. You can also find a mentor who will encourage you and speak positive things to you.
2. Monitor the messages coming into your life. If spending time on Instagram makes you feel bad about yourself or less-than, then stop scrolling. If looking through fashion magazines makes you feel like you don’t measure up, put down the magazine. If scrolling Pinterest makes you feel like a hot mess, delete the app from your phone. Pay attention to how you feel after consuming too much media – social or traditional – and make the adjustments you need to for your own mental and emotional health.
3. Talk kindly to yourself. Often, the sort of things we say to ourselves, we’d never say to a friend! Speak to yourself the way you’d speak to your very best friend. When you mess up, talk to yourself the way you would a friend. Assure yourself that it’s OK to be human, then learn from the mistake and move on. When you look in the mirror, find one thing to compliment yourself on – imagine the person in the mirror is your best friend and ask, “What would I say to my friend if she showed up looking like this?” Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself, and then re-frame any negative thoughts into positive ones.
4. Set achievable goals and then work toward them. When we accomplish goals, we feel good about ourselves. If this is new to you, start small. Make a daily to-do list and think of one goal for the day. Maybe it’s walking for one mile, reading 10 pages of a book, studying for that test, making that one hard phone call, or eating a healthy meal. At the end of the day, cross the tasks off your list and see if you met your daily goal. Gradually work your way up to weekly or monthly goals. Be sure to celebrate yourself when you meet your goals!
5. Keep a gratitude journal. At the end of every day, write down 5 things you’re thankful for and one thing you’re proud of yourself for or one thing you like about yourself. Creating a space within each day to recognize your own value is a healthy way to build self-esteem.
6. Volunteer. We feel good about ourselves when we help other people. What does your community need that you have to offer? Find a way to serve others, and you’ll feel valuable to your community. That’s sure to help you see your own self-worth!

Here’s the thing — we all have value just because we exist. You’re worthy of love. You’re worthy of joy and goodness. And your worth isn’t measured in how many social media hearts you get or how often you’re ReTweeted. Even if all your Pinterest attempts fail, you’re still valuable. And those media-perfect images you’re comparing yourself to aren’t realistic; they don’t tell the full story. You don’t know what’s been cropped out and filtered over or how many pictures got deleted before that one got posted. You’re enough – exactly as you are. Your past mistakes, your weaknesses and flaws, your insecurities – none of that diminishes your worth. Actually, all of that is what makes you uniquely, beautifully you!

If you’re struggling to see your self-worth or if you’ve had a hard time setting healthy boundaries because of your lack of self-esteem, we’d love to talk with you. Contact us and someone on our staff will listen and connect you to some resources that can help you live your best, healthiest life. Because you’re worth it!

Relationship Reset for 2020

With the new year upon us, it’s so important to do a relationship check and make sure that open and honest communication is a fundamental part of your relationship. The first step to building a relationship is making sure you both understand each other’s needs and expectations, and that you’re on the same page. That means you have to talk to each other! When I talk to teens about dating and relationships, I like to go over important qualities to look for in someone else, as well as to develop in yourself, and the very first important one is good communication! The following tips can help you and your partner create and maintain a healthy relationship:

• Speak Up. In a healthy relationship, if something is bothering you, it’s best to talk about it instead of holding it in.
• Respect Each Other. Your partner’s wishes and feelings have value, and so do yours. Let your significant other know you are making an effort to keep their ideas in mind. Mutual respect is essential in maintaining healthy relationships.
• Compromise. Disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships, but it’s important that you find a way to compromise if you disagree on something. Try to solve conflicts in a fair and rational way.
• Be Supportive. Offer reassurance and encouragement to each other. Also, let your partner know when you need their support. Healthy relationships are about building each other up, not putting each other down.
• Respect Each Other’s Privacy. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to share everything and constantly be together. Healthy relationships require space… and boundaries.

Healthy Boundaries
Creating boundaries is a good way to keep your relationship healthy and secure. By setting boundaries together, you can both have a deeper understanding of the type of relationship that you and your partner want. Boundaries are not meant to make you feel trapped or like you’re “walking on eggshells.” Creating boundaries is not a sign of secrecy or distrust — it’s an expression of what makes you feel comfortable and what you would like or not like to happen within the relationship… including the physical side.
Remember, healthy boundaries shouldn’t restrict your ability to:

• Go out with your friends without your partner.
• Participate in activities and hobbies you like.
• Not have to share passwords to your email, social media accounts or phone.
• Respect each other’s individual likes and needs.

Healthy Relationship Boosters 

Even healthy relationships can use a boost now and then. You may need a boost if you feel disconnected from your partner or like the relationship has gotten stale. If so, find a fun, simple activity you both enjoy, like going on a walk, and talk about the reasons why you want to be in the relationship. Then, keep using healthy behaviors as you continue dating.  If you’re single (and especially if you’re a single parent), don’t worry if you need a boost too! Being single can be the best and worst feeling, but remember relationships don’t just include your significant other and you. Think about all the great times you’ve had with your parents, siblings, friends, children, other family members, etc..
Try going out with the people you love and care about the most — watch movies together, go out to eat, take a day off from your busy life and just enjoy being you! If it helps, also talk about your feelings about the relationships in your life. If you just want them to listen, start by telling them that. Then ask what makes relationships good and what makes them bad? Along the way, if you need advice, feel free to contact us. We’re always here to help.

And don’t forget, the relationship you can always boost up is the one you have with yourself!

To Sext or Not to Sext

If you haven’t done it, you probably know a friend or someone else who has...sexting. And while you might think it’s harmless, that photo can have life-long consequences, thanks to social media and the Net in general. We’re not trying to scare you. Well, maybe just a little, but only because we care about you-  and your future. Here are some things you might want to consider. I know it’s so hard to think beyond what’s going on this weekend, but your future is closer than you think!

Let’s take a moment and think about what could possibly happen if the person you’re sending it to decides to pass it along to someone else.  Maybe a break up occurred or you had a big fight, or they’re trying to brag to their friends or get some attention. Whatever the case may be… your picture is now out there forever!!  And the moment you sent it, you lost all control over what someone else may do with it. It could possibly end up on a website, or become visible for you Principal, Coach, parents, friends and teachers to see it… or maybe even your younger brothers or sisters?  How would that make you feel? Unfortunately, this happens all too frequently, and the effects can be devastating and make you feel embarrassed at best, or hopeless at its worst.   

I know it’s easy to think this could never happen to you, but I work with thousands of teens, many of whom have said the same thing, and then I’ve heard from more than a few, that they ended up regretting that very moment they hit sent. They wish they had thought through some of the consequences, because sometimes it can go beyond just mere embarrassment.  What happens when you’re ready to apply to college and an admissions counselor comes across it? Will it hinder your acceptance?  Or maybe it’s a background check for your dream job, but there’s no call back because some of those pictures you sent as a teen have resurfaced.  They’re in cyber space forever. I’m hoping this won’t be your story and you’ll consider all the risks.

If the potential for embarrassment and the possible risks to your college acceptance and career aren’t enough to convince you that sexting isn’t the best idea, you may also want to consider the legal consequences. These differ from state-to-state, but in some places if either the sender or the receiver of the picture is under 18, you can be prosecuted for child pornography. That means you would end up on a sex offender registry and that follows you for your entire life because you have to register every time you move and the records are public. We’re sure most people don’t think about that before snapping a “sexy” shot and texting it, but they should if either person is underage, and especially if one is over 18. It’s just not worth it for a few seconds of excitement.  To find out more about the specific laws in New Jersey, you can visit this legal site and find our state by scrolling down to the bottom.

Trust me, it’s not that we want to keep you from any fun, it’s just that we don’t want to see one bad decision have an effect on the rest of your life.  Most teens just don’t think about the risks involved before sexting and we want you to make the best decisions possible when it comes to anything involving sex.  Please reach out to us on our contact form if you’d like any more information about sexting or anything else involving relationships or sex or you can text 201-677-2394.

How Healthy Is My Relationship?

A loving and healthy relationship is something everyone deserves, but creating one takes hard work from both partners. Every characteristic of your relationship, such as how you communicate or how you feel when you’re around each other, contributes to the relationship as a whole. It’s important to take the time to think about what characteristics make up your relationship. A healthy relationship is made up of characteristics like encouragement and support, whereas an unhealthy relationship is made up of characteristics like put-downs and disrespect. Ask yourself these five questions to find out how healthy your relationship is, then contact Lighthouse Pregnancy Resource Center today to learn about their free relationship counsel and support services.

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1. How does this relationship make me feel?
When you are with your significant other, you deserve to feel respected, happy, comfortable, and free to be yourself. Are you excited before you see your partner? Does your significant other respect your values and opinions? Do you leave your time together feeling happy?

Healthy:
• Your partner is supportive of the things you do and encourages you to try new things.
• Your partner makes you feel happy with a general feeling of comfort and freedom to be yourself.
• Your partner listens when you have something on your mind, is uplifting with his or her words, and makes you feel special.
Unhealthy:
• When you are together, you feel like you can’t do anything right or like no one else would want you.
• You feel anxious around your partner with a general feeling of “walking on eggshells.”
• Your partner uses more put downs than compliments and is critical of what you wear or what you say.

2. How do my friends and family feel about this relationship?
The opinion of your friends and family matters because they know you well and want what’s best for you. Ask your friends and family specifically what they like or dislike about you and your partner being together. Has being with your partner strengthened your friendships? Or do you see your friends and family significantly less than you used to?

Healthy:
• Your partner gets along with your friends and family.
• You and your partner are able to spend time together with friends and family.
• Although your partner might miss you, he or she is supportive and understanding when you spend a weekend with the girls, have a guy’s night out, or go on a family vacation.
Unhealthy:
• Your partner does not attempt to get along with your closest friends and family.
• Your partner complains that you spend too much time with your family and rarely accompanies you to get-togethers.
• Your partner attempts to control who you see and when, constantly checks in on you when you’re away, or gets extremely jealous when you talk to someone of the opposite sex and accuses you of flirting or cheating.

3. How do we resolve conflict?
Conflict is normal in relationships, romantic or otherwise. The question is not if there is conflict, but what causes conflict and how it is managed. Are you and your partner able to listen to one another and compromise, or do you sweep conflict under the rug or place blame?

Healthy:
• You and your partner can both express your thoughts and feelings to each other.
• You are able to disagree with your partner.
• You keep your personal conflict between the two of you and may seek help resolving conflict from a trusted friend or family member together.
Unhealthy:
• Your partner may express his or her thoughts and feelings to you, but does not listen when you express yours or vice versa.
• Your partner blames you for everything or you automatically claim that the fault is yours in order to keep the peace.
• Your partner yells and humiliates you in front of other people or threatens to hurt you, your friends, your family, or themselves.

4. How does my partner express anger?
Whether it’s family drama, a work-related incident, or the car breaking down, you will see your partner angry at some point. How do they express their feelings when things don’t go their way or the two of you disagree?

Healthy:
• Your partner is able to calm him or herself down.
• Your partner is able to talk about what happened and does not place blame on you or others.
• Your partner remains level-headed and reasonable despite being upset.
Unhealthy:
• Your partner sometimes threatens to destroy your things, or breaks/throws things as a warning when angry and you are the only one who can calm your partner down.
• Your partner punishes you with the silent treatment and will not talk about what happened or seek to solve the problem.
• Your partner is unable to control anger and often yells one minute, then is sweet and apologetic the next.

5. Does my partner respect my physical boundaries?
You get to create the limits that identify what behavior is permissible towards you and how you will respond when someone surpasses those limits. Does your partner respect you when you create boundaries around your time and physical comfort level?

Healthy:
• Your partner gives you the time and space you need.
• Your partner knows your physical limits and respects them.
• When your partner touches you, it is affectionate and within your boundaries.
Unhealthy:
• Your partner calls and texts constantly or shows up at your workplace unannounced, especially during times of conflict.
• Your partner pressures or forces you into having sex or going farther than you want to.
• Your partner has grabbed you harshly or has shoved, choked, punched, slapped, held you down, or hurt you in some way.

Whether it has happened only once or multiple times, anyone crossing your physical boundaries is NOT okay. For assistance with domestic violence or abuse, contact one of the agencies below:

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Abuse Recovery Ministry and Services (ARMS) 509-484-0600
New Jersey Domestic Violence Hotline 800-572-SAFE (7233)

If you have noticed unhealthy signs in your relationship, help and support is available. At Lighthouse Pregnancy Resource Center, they can help you develop a healthy relationship whether you are single, dating, engaged, or married. Call them today, text 201-677-2394, or schedule an appointment online for resources on building and maintaining a healthy relationship.

12 Sex Facts... or Myths?

Sex has been around for a little while, so you’d think we would have it figured out by now. But there’s a lot of information and misinformation out there. Some of that information comes in the form of old wives tales told from generation to generation, some from old information that has been disproved, and some from rumors that are spread around the world via a click of the mouse. It seems that as long as people are having sex there will be myths as well.

12 Sex Myths Debunked

Sex Myth #1 – Everyone is having sex.

Reality: There are far less people having sex than you probably think. Studies show that the average age people first have sex is 17 and that 30% of people haven’t had sex at all by the age of 20. Waiting until you’re older isn’t strange or weird; it’s actually fairly normal.

Sex Myth #2 – A girl can’t get pregnant or catch an STD if the guy pulls out.

Reality: It’s not that simple. First, “pulling out” isn’t an effective means of preventing STDs, which can be transferred by skin-to-skin contact. As for pregnancy, while it can reduce the chances of getting pregnant, it is much less effective than other methods of birth control.

Sex Myth #3 – You can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex.

Reality: Your sperm and eggs have no idea if it’s the first or 500th time you’ve had sex – it just doesn’t work that way. If you’re having vaginal sex, there is a chance you can get pregnant, even before you’ve had your first period. Which takes us to Myth #4.

Sex Myth #4 – You can’t get pregnant while you’re having your period.

Reality: While it’s not common, it’s possible. See note above about if you’re having vaginal sex. The reason this is possible is sometimes those sperm like to hang out, sometimes for up to six days, to see if an egg shows up.

Sex Myth #5 – You can’t get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub, pool, the ocean, or any other random body of water.

Reality: There are plenty of people walking around who were conceived in pools and hot tubs. There is nothing about water that will prevent pregnancy once sperm have entered a vagina. Another related myth is that you can get pregnant from a pool or hot tub that has sperm in the water. This is also false.

Sex Myth #6 – Oral and anal sex are safe, and they aren’t really sex.

Reality: Both oral and anal sex put you at risk for STDs. If it can be passed through vaginal sex, it can almost always be passed through oral and anal sex as well. Some of the more common STDs that are transmitted this way are genital herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, hepatitis B and HIV. While the risk of contracting a STD through oral sex is lower compared to vaginal and anal sex, any sex with someone with an STD is risky.

Sex Myth #7 – If I use birth control I don’t have to worry about STDs.

Reality: Birth control has nothing to do with preventing STDs. The pill, the patch, Depo, the ring and IUDs do nothing keep you from catching an STD, including HIV. Condoms do offer some protection, but are not 100% effective, especially on skin-to-skin contact in the area a condom doesn’t cover.

Sex Myth #8 – If my partner had an STD I would know it.

Reality: Most people who have an STD don’t have any symptoms. So because your partner doesn’t have any outbreaks, doesn’t mean they don’t have an STD, and that you shouldn’t worry about it. In fact, you may have a STD and transfer it to your partner without knowing. This is the main reason STDs are so common and so dangerous because ether aren’t diagnosed and treated.

Sex Myth #9 – Once you have an STD there’s nothing you can do about it.

Reality: Many STDs, such as gonorrhea and chlamydia, are bacterial in nature and can be cured once they are diagnosed with simple antibiotics in a week or two. Others are viral and though they can’t be cured, the symptoms can be treated. These viral STDs include HIV, HPV, herpes and hepatitis. People who have these viral STDs can live long lives with the care of their doctors.

Sex Myth #10 – Once you have an STD and it’s treated you can’t get it again.

Reality: As mentioned under Myth #9, many STDs can be treated with antibiotics. However, once they are cured you can get them again by engaging in sexual contact with an infected partner. If you are diagnosed with an STD and get treatment, your partner should also be tested to prevent you from getting it again. You should also be tested if you start having sex with a new partner.

Sex Myth #11 – STD testing is for people who cheat or sleep with many partners.

Reality: Anyone who has sex in any form, regardless of the number of partners they or their partner have had, is at risk for STDs, including HIV. Statistics say that by the age of 25, 1 in 2 sexually active people will have an STD. That’s right, half. And most won’t even know it. We don’t like those odds, and you probably don’t either.

Sex Myth #12 – If I needed to get tested for STDs my doctor would do it.

Reality: Don’t assume that when your doctor draws blood for testing during your routine exam they are testing you for STDs. Most doctors don’t offer routine STD and HIV testing unless you specifically ask for it. And ladies, a Pap test does not test for STDs. Getting tested for STDs if you are sexually active is important because you can’t treat them if you don’t know you have them. And many STDs when left untreated can have lasting effects such as infertility, and also place you at greater risk for getting cancer. If you aren’t comfortable talking to your regular doctor about STD testing or you don’t have a regular doctor, Lighthouse Pregnancy Resource Centers in North Jersey, offers complimentary STD testing and treatment for gonorrhea and chlamydia, two of the most common STDs.

We hope you found this information about 12 sex myths helpful. Our goal is to provide accurate information so you can make informed decisions about your sexual health.  If you don't take responsibility for your sexual health, who will??

Dating App Safety

There’s an app for just about everything.

We order our Frappuccinos with an app, then swing by Starbucks to pick it up.  Want to deposit a check but don’t want to drive to the bank? Open the banking app, snap a photo of the check, push a button, and it’s magically deposited in the account. Need to borrow 5 dollars? No problem! I’ll pay for you, and you can Venmo me the money. See? We’ve even turned the names of the apps into verbs!

So it isn’t surprising that our dating lives revolve around apps too. Though online dating used to have a stigma or seem like a big deal, now it’s just a given part of living in a digital age. Tinder, OKCupid, Bumble, PlentyOfFish, Hinge, Match — and the list just continues to grow. Finding a date through an app is the normal way to date now.

But what should you know before you swipe right? Here are a few things to keep in mind regarding dating app safety.

• Be cautious about connecting your dating app with your social media accounts. Some of the dating apps are tied to your social media and find matches for you based on mutual friends or mutual likes and interests and location check-ins. That could be convenient. But you probably don’t want strangers to have access to information about you. It’s a good idea to give away as little identifying information about yourself in your dating profile. This protects you from the people who use dating apps for creepy reasons. Don’t use your last name. Don’t give out any information that lets strangers know exactly who you are, where you live or work, or how to find you.
• Don’t use the same photo you use for social media. It’s the same principle. To protect yourself, you need to protect your full identity from the broad audience of dating apps. It’s easy to do a reverse image search through Google. If you use the same photo for a dating app that you use in your Facebook or Twitter profile pic, anyone can find you in real life.
• Be aware of location settings. A lot of dating apps will use your location, but people who look at your profile shouldn’t be able to see exactly where you are. Make sure your settings don’t let them.
• Send messages only through the app. Again, this protects you. It’s risky to give out your real phone number. So send messages through the app rather than sending texts through your phone. And if you do decide to talk on the phone before you meet up in real life, get a Google phone number. It’s free, and it routes the call through the Google number rather than giving your actual phone number to this random person you don’t really know.
• Get to know each other, but don’t give out too much information too early. As you send messages back and forth getting to know each other, be on guard. Don’t give out too much information. Unfortunately, some people join dating apps with sinister plans. You deserve to protect yourself from having your identity stolen, from being stalked, from being assaulted.
• Guard your personal information as you’re getting to know someone. You aren’t being rude; you’re being wise.
• You may not be talking to the person you think you are. That 22-year-old Brandon you’re talking to may actually be 40-year-old Sue or 50-year-old Dan. Have you seen the show Catfish? There’s a reason that show’s been on since 2012. There are people who pretend to be someone online that they aren’t in real life.
• Be prepared for the worst. The jokes and stereotypes about dating apps exist for a reason. You might get a message with sexist comments, lewd suggestions, or unsolicited nude photos. Report anyone who violates the app’s policies, and practices using features that let you block the creeps.
• When you meet up, meet in a public place. Only meet in a place with a lot of people around. You have no idea who you’re actually meeting. Again, you deserve protection from anyone with bad intentions. And you’re further protected if you meet in the daylight in a non-drinking environment for the first date.
• Share your geolocation with a trusted friend. If a couple of friends can’t go along when you meet up with your dating app match, at least share your location with them. While you’re at it, make sure a friend has the name of the person you’re meeting up with.
• Drive yourself. Or get a friend to drive you. But don’t rely on your date for a ride. Remember how your parents told you not to get into the car with strangers? It’s still a good policy. Again – you aren’t being rude. And if your date tries to pressure you to ride to a second location with him or to let him drive you home, it’s ok to kindly and firmly refuse. It isn’t rude to protect yourself. And it’s OK not to trust someone you just met.
• Before you are ever alone with a date, know him. Know his full name. Know his address. Know what his job is or where he goes to school. Talk to his friends. Until you really know him and the people who know him, he’s a stranger. Even if you’ve spent hours messaging back and forth through an app, he’s a stranger. Treat him like a stranger until you really know him and his people.
• Carry cash and your phone in your pocket. If your purse gets stolen, you’ll have some money and your phone with you.
• Trust your instincts. If you feel unsafe – or even unsettled – trust your gut. Often our guts pick up on subtle things before our brains register information. If you don’t feel safe or if you feel uncomfortable, call a friend and leave. Have the friend meet you in another public place, so you can be sure your dating app match isn’t following you home.

Dating apps can be a fun way to meet someone new – if you are safe and protect yourself in the process. Remember – it’s never rude to protect yourself. And being safe is so much more important than being nice. So guard your personal information, refuse that ride home, don’t be alone with him, trust your gut, and share your location with a friend – there’s an app for that

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Am I Ready to Date?

There may be several times during your life when you ask yourself this question – Am I ready to date? Whether you’re a teenager and have never dated before or aren’t allowed to yet, or you’ve gone through a tough break-up and need some time to yourself, or just aren’t ready yet,  you’re really the only one who can decide when you’re ready.

It might help for you to consider these questions when you’re trying to decide if you’re ready to start dating (or to start dating again).

Why are you thinking about dating? Motive is an important consideration. Are you wanting to keep up with friends? Are you lonely? Do you feel like you’re supposed to be dating by now? Have you met someone you want to know better? Some reasons may be healthier reasons for dating than others. So you probably want to take some time to consider why you want to date and if those reasons would likely lead to a positive dating experience.

What does dating mean to you? Does it mean going on one-on-one dates? Going out in groups? Texting? Hanging out together at school? Before you can decide if you’re ready, you will want to define exactly what dating means to you and to the person you’re considering dating.

Are you emotionally ready? How do you handle stress and responsibility? Can you speak up for your own needs? Do you consider others when making decisions? Do you feel empathy for others? How do you handle conflict? All of these things are important to consider when deciding if you’re ready to date.

Do you know yourself well? Do you know what you like to do? What interests you? Do you have strong friendships? Do you know what’s important to you, what you value, what you think is right and wrong?  It’s easy to get lost in a relationship and take on the interests and values of another person, so it’s especially important that you have a strong sense of self before getting into a relationship.

Have you considered the physical aspect?  Have you thought about what boundaries you want to have and are able to talk about that upfront with the person you’re considering dating?  Have you thought about what you would do if got pregnant (or got someone pregnant) at this point in your life? What about an STD? Who would you talk to, what would you do?  There are some really great Pregnancy Resource Centers that can help you navigate these types of questions, along with talking to your parents. If you’re in the Bergen and Passaic County area of North Jersey, you can text Lighthouse for free and confidential help at 201-677-2394.

Have you talked to your parents/guardians about it? What do they think? Sometimes the people who know us well and love us can offer insight and perspective we don’t have.

After a Break-up:

Have you found YOU again? Do you feel like a whole person or like ½ of a couple? After a break-up, you’ll feel different than you did before the relationship. That’s because you are different. You’ll never be the same. But you do want to feel like a whole, complete person before you think about getting involved with someone else.

Do you still feel angry or bitter? If you’re still working through a lot of anger, you probably aren’t ready to date someone new. Give yourself time to heal.

Are you happy on your own? Can you have fun? In a healthy relationship, both people bring happiness and joy and fun to share with each other. It’s important to be able to be happy on your own, rather than looking to someone else to make you happy.

Have you acknowledged your role in the break-up? Just as relationships can’t succeed by the efforts of only one person, relationships rarely fall apart because of the failures or weaknesses of only one person. Do you understand your role in the break-up? Do you know what mistakes you made or what things you need to work on so that the same pitfalls don’t show up in your next relationship?

Can you trust again? Relationships require trust. If you can’t trust someone yet, it’s going to be really hard to date. Have you healed enough to risk trusting again?

When you are ready, choosing to date can lead to wonderful experiences. Dating can be a way to share your happiness and wholeness with someone else. In order to do that, you’ll need a solid sense of self and the emotional reserves to give warmth and support and joy to someone else as well as the openness to receive the same in return. If you’re ready for that, then go ahead! If you’re not ready just yet, that’s OK. There’s no rush, you have plenty of time for that!

Can You Get an STD from Oral Sex? Is it Really Considered Sex?

Can I get a sexually transmitted infection from oral sex?  Would I still be considered a virgin if I had oral sex, but stopped there?  These are good questions, and maybe you’re looking for this answer because some part of you sincerely wants to remain a virgin, but you’re really into the person you’re dating, so you’re wondering how far you can go without ‘going all the way.’  Or maybe you’re feeling pressured to have some sort of sex, but you still want to technically be a virgin, so you’re looking for compromise. Or maybe you’ve already had oral sex and you’re worried that you got some sort of disease or aren’t still a virgin.

Whatever your reason for asking this question, we want to help you figure out the answer and maybe even help you make some decisions going forward.

First, let’s define some terms and answer some questions so we can make sure we’re on the same page.

What is oral sex?

Oral sex is the contact of one person’s mouth or tongue with the genitals of another person.

Is oral sex really sex? If I have it, does it count when it comes to losing my virginity?

Usually when people talk about virginity, they’re only talking about one kind of sex – vaginal intercourse between a man and a woman. But we know there are all sorts of ways to be sexually active that don’t fit that exact description. It seems like girls get judged for being a virgin and boys get judged for not being a virgin. It can be easy to get caught up in labels and technicalities, but those labels don’t tell us the more important things about your situation. Things like – are you in a safe relationship with someone who cares about you? Are you putting yourself at risk for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)?

So the better question may be – Do you think oral sex is safer than vaginal sex?

In a national survey done by the Kaiser Foundation, 26% of sexually active teens between the ages of 15 and 17 believed that you can’t get HIV by having oral sex. Unfortunately, this is not true.

What sexually transmitted diseases/infections could you get from oral sex?

The answer – just about all of them. According to the CDC, oral sex can spread syphilis, gonorrhea, HIV, HPV, genital herpes, chlamydia, trichomoniasis and possibly hepatitis C.

Though condoms or dental dams may reduce the risk of STDs during oral sex, the best way to protect yourself is to only have sex (of any form including oral) in a mutually monogamous relationship. That’s when you both only ever have any kind of sex with each other, like in marriage.

If you’re thinking about having oral sex with someone, maybe the best question isn’t – Will I still be a virgin? Maybe better questions would be – Why do I want to have oral sex? Am I ready for the emotional commitment that comes with any kind of sexual activity? Is this a safe relationship? Am I putting myself at risk for an STD?

If you’ve had oral sex and think you may be at risk for an STD, contact somewhere like Lighthouse that offers free and confidential testing.  They are located in Wayne, Hackensack and Paterson, NJ. You can even text them for help, someone to talk to or to make an appointment at 201-677-2394.  You can make healthy, informed choices!

Are New Year's Resolutions Worth it?

Everyone is talking about it this time of year, time to set some resolutions and push the reset button! But is this just a list that we’re most likely not going to keep and things that we “should” do but don’t really want to? If so, that will just help to pile on the guilt of heavy expectations and an already over-scheduled calendar. So yes- make resolutions, but even better yet, set some goals and good intentions to the year ahead without getting bogged down with pretty sentiments that sound good, but we don’t have any intention of really keeping. Here’s a few tips: keep it short and simple. Set realistic goals that aren’t hard to reach and keep. Start small. Do something that inspires you and that you actually want to do! What are you passionate about? What are some of your dreams? Set some small goals that will help to start fulfilling those dreams…. baby steps!

Here are some ideas to get started:
1. Limit your screen time. I know, I know… definitely not a favorite, but so needed (guilty as charged). Get out there and engage with your friends or go on dates, life is sooo much better in person! One idea that will encourage you to do this, would be to put your phones in the middle of the table the next time you’re out for coffee or dinner with your friends… and the first one to check their phone, has to pay for the dessert or coffee!

2. Get outside! Learn to scuba dive or train for a marathon and then plan a mud run with friends. Cycle for a cause or go skiing or tubing. You’ll feel better and look stronger, guaranteed!

3. Support a Cause. Find something that means a lot to you, whether socially, politically or culturally and volunteer! Collaborate with others to help create solutions to an issue or give a few hours a month to volunteer.

4. Start Dating. Seriously, that’s it… avoid the casual hookups and actually plan a date! Get to know someone in real “face time” and have some fun. It doesn’t have to be serious, just see where it goes. Group dates are great too because they alleviate some of the one-on-one pressure and you get to see how the other person acts around other people and how they treat them.

5. End the Comparison Trap. Stop caring so much about what other people think about you or say about you, or how many people “like” your posts and photos. Don’t base your self worth on what people think of you. Your self-esteem should come from how you value yourself and the things that are most important to you. Consider loftier values than appearance, materialism, status, etc… and think about love, kindness, integrity, and emotional intelligence when defining your success.

6. Be Courageous, Speak up. The old saying goes, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” So take a stand for what you believe in and don’t just take the easy way out and go along with what everyone else is saying. Don’t laugh at an inappropriate joke or comment or someone being made fun of that’s a little different to fit in. Have an opinion and a voice and express your opinions. Believe it or not, others will take notice that you’re not just a follower and you’ll probably find some others who are thinking the same things you are, but are just too afraid to speak up. You can also find opportunities to speak up at your school or in your community.

By turning your New Year’s resolutions into something significant and important...that means something to you, you will empower yourself to live a more happier, healthier and stronger life!

Lauren Caron
REALife Student Director

Recipe for a Healthy Relationship

A cake never turns out too good when you're just 'winging' it and throwing in a pinch of this and a tad of that, you need a good recipe in order to produce a moist, delicious cake that everyone will love! Same thing with dating and relationships, you can't expect to have success without some good ole' guidelines to help you navigate all of these feelings and conflicts that may eventually arise.

1. Engage in Healthy Responses to Conflict:

• Fight fair:  consider what you really want to express while being respectful to your partner.  Practice listening more and try to understand, then be understood. Use “I” statements, like “I feel _______” rather than “you always  __________”.
• Negotiate and compromise. Avoid being defensive or shutting down.

2. Take it Slow:

• An old proverb says, “Get to know someone in all 4 seasons”... so true!
• You need time to really get to know someone and to bond with them.  Protect yourself from sharing too much too soon and getting attached too quickly.

3. Set Clear Boundaries:

• Talk about what your physical/sexual limits will be, before you find yourself in the heat of the moment, in order to protect your future, health, and heart.
• Talking is the basis of any good relationship.  Tell your partner what you want and find out what he/she thinks.  Passivity may be interpreted as permission.

4. Seek Similarities:

• Healthy relationships have a strong foundation of similarities in goals, dreams, values, backgrounds and interests.
• Character is who you are when no one is looking.  Look for patterns of behavior. Adversity reveals someone’s true character.  Don’t get locked into a relationship by sharing a cell phone plan, moving in together, adopting a dog, etc… that makes it much harder to break up if things aren’t going well.                  

      Remember to set high expectations for yourself and others you choose to be with!

Will I Lose Him if I Don't Want to Have Sex?

On the very first date I had with the man who would become my husband, over glasses of iced coffee on a sunny September afternoon, he told me, with a cockiness that I still find adorable:

“I have three requirements for the woman I date. One, she can’t be living with her parents. Two, she has to have a car.”

I didn’t tell him where I stood with these requirements, but I met these first two. “Three, she has to be good in bed.” And there it was, the nail in the coffin that I faced with every guy I met. I had no idea if I was good in bed. I was a virgin and had made a promise to myself that I would remain so until my wedding night. And I was certain he wouldn’t want me because of it.

There came a second date, and then a third. The “requirements” weren’t brought up. We were headed into relationship territory—my first real relationship—but I still wasn’t certain where I stood with him. I still feared he expected something from me that I wasn’t willing to give. I kept asking him “Do you really want to be with me?”

He hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet, so I was afraid he was going out with other women too. One night we were walking to dinner, and he asked me if my roommate was seeing anyone. He was just being his conversational self, but I was so wrapped up in fear that he was going to stray that I actually replied, “Why, are you interested?” I hated how insecure it made me sound, but I was genuinely worried.

It was my roommate who helped me realize that it was probably time to have a real conversation about what was on my mind. If he had expectations that I wasn’t willing to meet, I had to be honest with him. I cared about him, and I didn’t want to string him along. I was afraid to talk about it, though, because I was falling in love with him. But if he didn’t want the same things I did, then I would have to face the fact that we weren’t right for each other.

So I told him, haltingly and nervously, that to me, sex was something special I wanted to share only with my husband. He didn’t respond right away, but he didn’t reject me either. 

But a few dates later he brought it up again, saying, “I thought over what you said, and I don’t agree with waiting for marriage to have sex. I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to be experienced before marriage. But I want to respect your wishes.”

I was so surprised and touched by how much he had thought about it. I felt then that he truly cared for me. It made me feel special that he would take what I said seriously, that he wanted to respect me even though he didn’t agree.

It also changed my anxiety about that first date when he set out his expectations for a relationship. He had the confidence to know what he wanted, but the wisdom to value what I wanted, even when it differed from his wants.

In the end, I didn’t meet his third “requirements.” But this man who became my husband loved me more than that requirement, and that’s how I knew it was real love.

Five Creative & (almost!) Free Date Ideas

The art of the first date is a fragile endeavor, and few people embark upon it with success.

First impressions matter, and there are a million factors that can make-or-break an initial meet up. If you’re looking to solidify a connection, it’s important to pick an environment and activity that will allow both of you to be yourselves—relaxed and at ease.

I’ll be honest: I hate the typical meal-or-coffee thing. It’s too much pressure. I feel stressed to be consistently witty and charming, and to balance an equal measure of talking about myself with asking questions. Can you tell I’m an over-thinker? That leads to awkwardness, which leads to more over-thinking, which leads to more nerves. And on, and on, and on. It’s a vicious cycle.

Not to mention, if you’ve been cruising the dating scene for a while, there’s a good chance you’re hurting for cash. When you’re looking to make a good impression, it can be daunting to plan a date on a budget.

Don’t you worry, though, Grasshopper. Here are five great options for a creative and fun experience that won’t burn a hole through your wallet.

1. Breakfast (or Brunch!)

Ok, maybe it seems like I’m reneging on my “no-meals” rule. I promise, I’m not. Breakfast is the exception.

I like breakfast dates for several reasons. For one, it’s fun. Who doesn’t love breakfast? It’s early, so you’re probably awake and refreshed—rather than bogged down from a day full of work and meetings. If possible, choose a place with a nice outdoor patio. Fresh air is calming, and you can always fall back on people-watching when conversation lulls.

Plus, breakfast is a pretty accommodating meal for people with dietary restrictions. Most breakfast spots have great options for vegetarians and those sensitive to gluten. And to top it off, breakfast is generally more budget-friendly than other meals.

Word to the wise: Only choose a breakfast date if you’re both morning people. I’ve heard disaster stories of anti-morning folks attempting this. Needless to say, it was a flop. If your bodies natural rhythms aren’t going to cooperate, avoid this at all costs.

2. Improv

 Take to the interwebs and do a quick Yelp search for a local improv show in your town. If you do your research, you should be able to find something free, or less than a general admission movie ticket.

I can personally vouch for this date. I went to a show with a guy I had almost no chemistry with, and the performer were—ahem—not the world’s best talent. Regardless, we had a blast. It took the pressure off of us and allowed us to connect through laughter (because improv is still enjoyable when the performers blow it!)

Word to the wise: Most shows have some sort of appropriateness rating available. Try to avoid anything over PG-13. Those kinds of jokes can be too much for a first date.

3. Farmers Market

One thing I dislike about the typical meal date is being glued to my seat. When I am nervous, I am fidgety.

The nice thing about heading to a local farmers market is the ability to stay moving, which releases all those jitters. There is a ton to see and explore, and endless possibilities for conversation starters. It’s also a great opportunity to try new things together, and many farmers markets have some kind of music or live entertainment. Boom.

Plus, who doesn’t like supporting their local community?

Word to the wise: This is an especially great first date if you already attend your farmers market regularly and know a few vendors. Having established friendships and knowing who has the best produce in your neighborhood will seem super charming.

 4. Dollar Movie Theater (Mystery Science Theater Style)

Now, before you assume this is tacky—let me explain. Movie dates can be uncomfortable, because you’re sitting next to a stranger in silence for at least two hours. That’s fine if the movie turns out to be good. But if the movie blows, it’s a recipe for disaster.

Instead, pick out a show together at the local dollar theater. Try to pick something that looks particularly awful, that’s also been out for quite some time. You want the theater as empty as possible.

Then, during the film, you both have freedom to talk. You can crack jokes and criticize the acting all you want. The lighthearted experience is a great means to feel comfortable around each other, and build an actual bond.

Word to the wise: This might not be the best option for two introverts, or for those folks who very passionately hold an anti-talking-in-movies policy.

 5. Geocaching

It’s time for a treasure hunt! What could be better for a first date than a little bit of teamwork and adventure?

If you’re unfamiliar with geocaching, let me explain: Geocaching in a real-life treasure hunt. Around the world, there are millions (yes, millions!) of active geocache locations. Participants mark the coordinates of hidden treasure using a GPS device, and everyone who visits a cache has the opportunity to take something and leave something behind. (To be fair, be prepared to leave something that is of equal/greater value to that which you take.)

If you have a smartphone, there are plenty of great geocaching apps available for download. These will help you pick an adventure, navigate to your destination, and give you clues to help you figure out where the treasure is hiding.

The best part? Every cache has a logbook for you and your date to sign—leaving a legacy of your first date. (Imagine coming back a year later and re-signing!)

Word to the wise: Warn your date to wear comfortable clothes and good shoes. These adventures can lead you to unexpected places. Be prepared.

(For more information, visit the official Geocaching website.)

By Erika Abdelatif

Slow Down...

How to Speak Up in Your Relationship Without Having a Fight

The dreaded three words “can we talk,” can immediately stir up defenses. Or maybe those words live on the tip of your tongue, but you just don’t feel like dealing with the spiral downward into the argument abyss, so you never say what is on your heart.

But then, what happens to those concerns, thoughts, worries, and requests that never get said? Do they fester, do you ruminate, do you stuff them? …I am fairly certain they don’t magically disappear. So what are you to do?

At some point, you must speak up. A healthy, happy and lasting relationship requires open communication where you can speak your mind so that these issues do not result in deep resentments that ultimately sabotage your relationship.

So here are some ideas of how to speak up in your relationship without ending up in a fight.

When You Just Know...

When you just know it’s time to breakup, you start to rationalize a lot of different things in your head. I thought these traits below by My Love Thinks, made some great points.  All the ‘buts’ we tell ourselves even though our relationship has been off for some time now and we’ve tried everything possible to make it work, can make it really difficult to break things off.

1. BUT HE/SHE LOVES ME
   This one is oh so common. And is fueled by worry and anxiety that you will never find someone who loves you “this much” again.
   
   Here’s the thing, love alone is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that continually hurts you.
   
   And know that you will be able to find someone again, even though it may seem like an impossibility at the time, who loves you. And who loves you better!
   
   2. BUT I LOVE HIM/HER
   This is the other side of number one. Staying in a relationship because you love him/her.
   
   Trust me, I get that ending a relationship with someone that you love is one of the most difficult things to do, but it is truly necessary sometimes.
   
   Read more on ending a relationship even when you’re in love here.
   
   I hate to say this but love isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to make up for the unhealthy patterns in your relationship or in your partner.
   
   And please hear this: love is not a sign that you should stay in a bad relationship!
   
   3. BUT HE/SHE PROMISED TO CHANGE
   Uh the hope of someone you care about REEEEALLY making the change this time is such a roller coaster ride.
   
   You may have heard it a million times but still the promise of change ignites a little bit of hope. I get it!!!
   
   Here’s a good rule of thumb. If he or she promises to change, give them a chance… around three months. If you see consistent effort, some gathering of new insights and working on their issues, then let it play out and you can hold onto some hope.
   
   If the pattern continues to repeat and their efforts subside after the threat of you ending the relationship has died down, then chances are your partner will not change.
   
   Two or three chances are ok, any more than that you are wasting your time and energy on someone who is resistant to making a meaningful change.
   
   4. BUT HE/SHE CHECKS ALL THE BOXES
   This one is such a big disappointment. You finally meet someone and “on paper” they seem like perfection.
   
   However, in reality, it just isn’t clicking. Maybe there’s no chemistry, maybe they just bug you or maybe the “on paper” doesn’t really show up “in life.”
   
   This is not a good reason to stay. Checking all your boxes for the sake of checking them will not ultimately lead to a happy and fulfilling relationship.
   
   Revisit your list of ideals in a partner and put some thought into what it is that really isn’t working about this “perfect” partner. Because if it’s not working, you may not want to stick around.
   
   5. BUT I LIKE HIS/HER FRIENDS
   It can be really tough when you’ve combined your social circles or found your “home” in your partner’s group of friends, but this really isn’t a great reason to stay in your relationship.
   
   Sometimes you will find a way to maintain these friendships and sometimes you won’t. Insightful, I know. But when you lose some friends, then make it your goal to reach out and build some new friendships. Change may be a bit uncomfortable, but in this case it is necessary.
   
   6. BUT WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER FOREVER
   It just makes sense. The more you’ve invested in a relationship, the harder it is to get out. It doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.
   
   Even social scientists have come up with a term for this called structural commitment, which includes different pressures and constraints that motivate the reasons why someone stays in a relationship.
   
   Listen this one is going to be hard. It is going to hurt. But you can be assured that you’ve given the relationship enough time to see whether or not it is the right relationship. You can be confident that you’ve given enough chances, spent enough time seeing patterns and you’ve really thought it all through.
   
   The hard part is just going through with it. Don’t let “but we’ve been together forever” be the only reason you’re staying.
   
   7. BUT WE’RE LIVING TOGETHER (For those in their 20’s)
   I realize this is a counter-cultural perspective on living together, but the preponderance of research strongly shows more risks than benefits (the only exception seems to be when you’re wedding date is set and you’re getting married soon). I’d be happy to put a post together on this for another time.
   
   But one of the primary risks is that living together is entrapping. Maybe it doesn’t seem that way at first, but eventually, if the relationship goes south, living together is a major deterrent to getting out.
   
   It just makes common sense, that if you’ve combined your stuff, your bed, your expenses, your routines and whatever else, it’s that much harder to separate and you’re that much more likely to compromise.
   
   So I tooootally get it, if you’re living together it is a major hurdle to getting out of a relationship that isn’t working. But if it isn’t working while you are living together, then bite the bullet and find a new place to live!
   
   8. BUT IT WILL BREAK HIS/HER HEART
   Good for you for caring! But give your partner some credit for being a bit more resilient. They will move on eventually and so will you. Dragging it out when you’re really done can be more hurtful than speaking the truth in love.
   
   9. BUT IT ISN’T LIKE HIM/HER
   So, there are exceptions and there are rules. If your partner does something once, twice or three times maybe it is an exception and it really isn’t like him or her.
   
   However, if your partner is doing something that is hurting you or the relationship repeatedly, time and time again, then it IS really like him or her.
   
   Problematic patterns are just that: problematic. And if you’ve brought it to her or his attention and the change still isn’t happening, then you have to decide if it’s something you can live with. But make that decision knowing that what your partner keeps on doing really IS like him or her.

If you want  to read more, go to https://www.mylovethinks.com/9-big-buts-avoid-dating/.

So What's the Big Deal About STIs Anyway?

Good question! For most teens, STDs are like cigarettes. You learn in school and in television ads that smoking can cause lung cancer. But that happens to other people who are much older. Then one day a favorite uncle is diagnosed and suddenly the risk is real.

The thing about STDs or STIs (sexually transmitted diseases or infections) is that it’s better to prevent them rather than treat them, and they ARE a BIG DEAL! Even with a bacterial infection, which is treatable, infection can reoccur with continued sexual activity, which increases your chances of becoming resistant to the treatment drug and increases the likelihood of permanent damage to the female reproductive system!

According to a new report from the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), More than two million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis were reported in the United States in 2016, the highest number ever.

Chlamydia is the most commonly reported STD, with approximately 1.6 million new cases last year. Young women (ages 15-24) account for nearly half (46 percent) of reported cases and face the most severe consequences of an undiagnosed infection. Untreated STDs, like chlamydia and gonorrhea, put women at increased risk for pelvic inflammatory disease which may result in chronic pelvic pain, infertility, and potentially a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy.
It is estimated that undiagnosed STDs cause infertility in more than 20,000 women each year.1
Wow, that’s so scary to me… that you can possibly become infertile, or not be able to have kids once you’re married some day and want to start a family!

In addition to chlamydia, there were 470,000 gonorrhea cases and almost 28,000 cases of primary and secondary syphilis – the most infectious stages of the disease. While all three of these STDs can be cured with antibiotics, if left undiagnosed and untreated, they can have serious health consequences, including infertility, life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth in infants, and increased risk for HIV transmission.2

Unfortunately, young women are often more affected by STDs, especially chlamydia, according to the CDC, for a number of reasons. One is because of a woman’s anatomy that has more delicate mucous membrane and easily allows viruses and bacteria to pass through. The vagina is also a warm and moist environment, the type that encourages bacteria to grow. Another reason is because of a lack of symptoms. Many show no signs or symptoms or attribute them to something else and don’t get tested. If you do get any symptoms, they can also go away, even though the infection may remain. Lastly, if a woman is pregnant, she can pass an STD like genital herpes, syphilis and HIV to her baby during pregnancy or delivery.3

So why is all of this information so important? Because as a teen, if you don’t take responsibility for your sexual health, who will? Are you willing to risk your future health and fertility? The smartest thing you can do is to prevent becoming infected at all by delaying sexual activity for as long as possible and by limiting your partners (but that’s just reducing your risk). Ideally one life-long monogamous partner, aka marriage, is the best prevention of all! So what should you do if you’ve already been sexually active? Is there any anything you can do now? Of course there is, because it all depends on your future actions and/or risky behavior. ALSO please make sure you’re getting yourself tested at least every 6 months if you have been or continue to be sexually active. If you’re in the Bergen/Passaic County area of North Jersey, Lighthouse Pregnancy Resource Center offers testing for both chlamydia and gonorrhea that is both free and confidential at any of their 3 locations in Wayne, Paterson and Hackensack. Make an appointment today and make smart choices everyday!
Sources:
1 https://www.cdc.gov/nchhstp/newsroom/docs/factsheets/STD-Trends-508.pdf

2 STDs at record high, indicating urgent need for prevention. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 9/27/3017.

3 https://www.cdc.gov/std/health-disparities/stds-women-042011.pdf

The Hardest Part About Dating...

One of the hardest parts of dating!? Breaking up… unfortunately it's an inevitable part of dating that no one enjoys, whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee. It’s hard not to wonder if you’re making a big mistake? If they’ll change? If you’ll be alone forever? Not to mention the months or years invested… so I get it, trust me. When a relationship starts to turn into more arguments than good times, or excitement fades into frustration, disappointment and hurt… then it could be a sign that you might have to start planning your exit strategy. There’s a reason there’s so many songs and movies about breakups, because it’s like the worst pain ever! The light at the end of the tunnel is that it’s opening you up to meeting the right person. So be strong and don’t waver, once you know that it’s what has to happen.

If you’re at that point of considering the end, then sometimes it’s helpful to reflect on the complaints or arguments you’ve had and see if you can identify any themes or patterns. Have you tried to bring it up several times with your partner and are just dismissed or promised change that never happens? Make sure you bring it up more than once or twice (but less than a hundred). The truly difficult part it is- maybe you really love this person! That doesn’t mean you should stay with them. We don’t always love the healthiest of people and sometimes there’s just two great people who aren’t meant to be together for some reason or another. Our strong feelings can be a blinder for some major issues going on.

So what’s the first step after you know in your heart of hearts that it has to end? Don’t make it too complicated, but come up with a statement about why it’s not working or the constant disagreement you’ve been having, but hasn’t changed. Mention how important it is to you and so this is why it won’t work out. Don’t feel the need to explain too much further or defend yourself because this can just lead to a bunch of more empty promises, pleading and negotiations. You already know you’ve tried to work on it and feel in your gut it has to end, so go in strong and unwavering and stick with what you originally came to say.

Next, try to set some boundaries so that you’re not vulnerable to getting back together when you’re feeling lonely in the initial few weeks/month after the breakup. If you want to, tell them you’d like to be friends at some point, but can’t communicate with them for a while. So that means if they text or call you, DON’T RESPOND and tell them that upfront so it’s clear. And if you don’t want to remain friends, it can be a little easier by just saying it was a hard decision, but you’re not going to change your mind and so you’re cutting off all communication. This can be really hard… but it’s so much harder when you go back and forth a million times and it can really wreak havoc on your emotions for way longer than necessary! Also, make sure you have a good support system, whether it be friends or family, and try to schedule your calendar with lots to do, so that you’re not left alone in your bedroom having a pity party for yourself.

Lastly, take a breather and some time for yourself and get back to doing the things you really enjoy doing! No matter what the circumstances where leading up to this, a breakup is really difficult and a loss of a relationship. So take some time to reflect… what initially attracted you to this person? Would you do anything differently next time? Should you look out for a particular trait or avoid one? Don’t feel like you have to jump right into another relationship, that’s so easy to do, but can bring around a whole new set of issues. Be thoughtful and intentional with who you date and don’t just slide into a new relationship. Really think about the qualities that you’d like in a partner, as well as want to develop in yourself, so that you can be better prepared the next time around.

Lauren A. Caron
REALife Relationships Student Director

4 Things You Must Have When Dating

So, dating these days is pretty much all over the place. Anything and everything goes and sometimes nothing goes. But I am going to strongly state that, if you really do want to find love and a healthy relationship, there are 4 things you must have when you’re dating.

1. AN IDEAL

You probably don’t get in the car very often without a destination in mind, right?! So, when you date, decide on your destination.

Do I need to be more direct here?! I’m saying, know what you are looking for. Don’t just put yourself out there and “figure out” what you like while you’re dating.

Give it some real reflection and think about what is important to you, what type of values you want your dating partner to have, what they like to do for fun, what his/her personality should be like?

Now just for the record, sometimes you will learn some of this stuff while dating.

Like, oh yeah, I really can’t stand someone who chomps their gum…or other important things like that.

But the idea is that you should go into dating with a general idea of what you’re looking for.

2. DEAL BREAKERS

Just like you should have your list of ideals, it’s important to have a list of deal breakers.

These are the things that you will not compromise on, no matter how exciting, hot, funny, intelligent, rich or fill-in-the-blank. This is the list that does not bend much.

It’s way easier to outline these things before you’re in a relationship, because once you’ve become blinded by love or infatuation it’s just way harder to be assertive with your deal breakers and way too easy to rationalize.

3. POWER + BALLS

So, power balls, huh?! Like the lottery. NO!

So many people treat dating like it’s the lottery, like finding a good relationship is something that just happens by chance or luck.

How many times have you caught yourself saying something like “oh it just wasn’t meant to be” or “it is what it is” or “eh, what will be will be”?

These sayings imply that dating and finding love is completely out of your control. That healthy relationships are a unicorn that you can only hope to see someday and that you are powerless and simply passive in the dating process.

Now don’t get me wrong, some relationships really weren’t meant to be.

But the reality is there is an epidemic of passivity when it comes to dating and relationships and it just doesn’t have to be this way.

We are in control of our dating lives and choices and need to think of ourselves as active managers of our relationships.

We need to regain our personal agency; our power in relationships.

That’s also where the balls come in.

This stuff takes guts. To take control of your relationship, you will periodically need to show some vulnerability and courage.

But I challenge you to step up and take charge of your dating life. Ask out that person that you are interested in…not just to “hang,” but on a real, legit date.

Bring up the define the relationship talk. Definition is good and provides clear expectations of what to do and how to act in a relationship. And, if they can’t define it, then there’s your sign.

End that relationship that is making you feel crazy.

Don’t accept Netflix and Chill as a real date.

Go for it! You do have power and say in relationships and, yes, it almost always takes some balls.

4. STANDARDS

This is somewhat of an echoing of the other points. But, in a world where there is such blurriness between what is right and wrong and when all things are “acceptable,” it can be difficult to have and execute standards.

At times, you may feel uptight or lame or too picky for having some standards, but I assure you any discomfort that you may feel is worth it.

It is about time we reclaim some pride in having standards, ideals, deal breakers, assertiveness and clarity on the commitment levels of our relationships. This does not make you judgmental, rude, controlling or critical. But it does make you intentional, thoughtful, direct and secure.

www.mylovethinks.com

The 3 Month Rule in Dating

   Waiting is hard… I get it!  When I go around to different schools and talk about healthy dating and relationships and the important character traits to develop in yourself, as well as find in someone else, patience is always the number one thing I hear that teens struggle with.  I mean, come on, we can microwave our dinner in a minute, google an answer to pretty much anything in a second… so who has time to wait!?

Ever hear of the old saying, ‘good things come to those who wait’?  Well it may not be so far off actually, and especially rings true when it comes to dating.  Before you tune me out, thinking I’m sooo old school, hear me out!  When you start to date someone, are you truly showing all of your different sides (like the ones your family sees), past baggage, and bad habits, right off the bat?  No, of course not! That stuff starts to really come out by month 3… right when we’re starting to feel comfortable around the other person and not worry they're going to jet if we get a little loco sometimes.

This is why it’s important to set some boundaries from the get-go… I’m talking pace yourself.  Uh-oh, you read it right, the dreaded word ‘boundaries.’  It almost always produces an eye-roll and groan because boundaries sound so limiting - so restrictive - so much like a set of RULES!  But think about it for a sec, because boundaries can be a great thing in all areas of our lives.  It’s what helps us to be able to live free, well-adjusted, and less-stressed lives.  To be able to say no to some things because it’s either not the right timing, not good for us, or would be just too much on our plates.  Think about how overwhelmed you would feel if you said yes to every single thing someone asked of you.  It’s just not possible to do everything.  You’d feel a lot better about doing what you can handle and just being good… like really good, at just a few things.

The beginning of relationships are usually the best- mushy, gushy, amazing times… without many hiccups, because you’re on your best behavior and someone’s real self hasn’t fully emerged.  If your relationship is full speed ahead from the start, then most likely you’re going to be in too deep already to see clearly when problems and differences do start to pop up!  So some things to know firmly in your head and heart before heading into your next relationship are:  how much are you going to trust this person in the beginning?  Depend on them?  How far are you willing to go sexually?  Don’t let your partner decide these things for you, or it’s all too easy to just ‘slide’ into whatever the other person wants, instead of deciding what’s best for you, the relationship, and your future.

So how do you go about this?  Talk to your partner in those first few months and really get to know them. Is there something there that bothers you?  Different values?  Compromises that you’d have to make for the relationship?  If something comes up that really bothers you, talk to them about it and see how they respond.  Are they open to change?  How flexible are they? How aware are they of how things affect you?  These are all good signs if someone is willing to consider how you’re feeling and make even small changes, if needed.  It takes time for the guard to come down so you can evaluate whether there are certain behaviors or beliefs that are deal breakers. Then you can decide whether or not to continue to invest your time and move forward with your whole heart.

Lauren A. Caron

Recognizing an Unhealthy Relationship

My best friend from high school was in a relationship with a fun and eccentric guy. I loved hanging out with them because I was always laughing and having a good time. On occasion, I saw a side of her boyfriend that I didn’t like. Sometimes he would blow up on her, and other times he would say crude remarks like “you’re such a fat a$$”—not cool. During the time they dated I watched her experiment with drugs, risky sexual behaviors, teen drinking, and battles of depression and thoughts of suicide. I didn’t know what to do, other than continue to be her friend. They continued to date for three years and then broke up. My friend was noticeably happier when it was over, but guess what? She is now in another relationship with a crummy guy.

I had another friend whose girlfriend would text him 30 times an hour to see where he was. If she learned he was with me, she would flip out and make him leave. It got to the point where we had to sneak around her because she was so insecure. I want to add, nothing was ever going on between us, she just invaded every aspect of his life: friends, family, Facebook, school, and sports. It wasn’t fun to see my friend go through such a demanding relationship.

High school relationships are our building blocks for our adult relationships. Take a moment and think of what you hope for in a future wife, husband, or companion. Write down what you come up with.

I am guessing you want a great relationship that is honest, trustworthy, happy, and safe. To find a relationship like that in the future, you need to start looking for those qualities now. More importantly, you need to recognize the warning signs of unhealthy relationships.

What is a healthy relationship?

Abusive relationships were once thought as physical contact that causes harm to another person. Though that is a form of abuse (physical abuse), there are several other forms of relationship abuse that adolescents face. Adolescent Health Collaborative has provided a helpful chart in recognizing teen relationship abuse.

Why are healthy relationships for teens SO important?

Teens that are in abusive relationships tend to have depression, low self-esteem, teen pregnancies, use illegal drugs, have STD’s, mental illness, and suicide risk. Protect you and your friends’ futures by seeking respectable healthy relationship.  Let us know if you have any questions or need any help with that.

15 Challenges to Make This, “YOUR BEST SUMMER EVER!!”

1. Spend more time out of your bed then in your bed.
2. Sleep outside and invite some friends along to your camp-out and tell them s’mores and an amazing breakfast is involved! (compliments of YOU)
3. Make a YouTube video doing something creative, or just plain silly, and become a YouTube sensation overnight!
4. Watch a documentary about the food industry and decide you’re going tomake 3 changes to your diet for the better.
5. Like… stop. drinking. soda!
6. Ask out that one person you’ve been crushing on the entire school year- you can do it!
7. Plan a really creative date for them- I’m talking Snapchat or Instagram worthy!
8. Simplify your life and give away some stuff you haven’t used in ages or clothes you never wear… or sell it at a yard sale and donate the money or do something nice for someone.
9. Be grateful for all of your blessings and write down 3 things every single day about what you’re grateful for.
10. Road trip to the closest state line and make a really big deal about crossing it. Like, a really. big. deal. The more confetti the better.
11. Get over one of your fears like that humongo roller coaster that you swear you’re not afraid of.
12. Clean the bathroom every Saturday morning for you parents without being asked or complaining about it.
13. Cook dinner for your family one night by watching a how-to video online… think Taco Tuesdays (because they probably are the best and only appropriate meal for a Tuesday).
14. Create an amazing summer playlist on Spotify and then dance to it (even if people are watching).
15. Bring joy to others through random acts of kindness, gifts or notes… to family, friends, or even strangers!

*And here’s a bonus one- if your crush denied you, don’t dwell on it all summer… go out and have fun with friends and family, meet new people!  Enjoy Life.  A big part of life is relationships, making new connections and memories and experiencing that together! Trying new things is what makes our world grow.  Never settle for mediocre and don’t base your self-worth on whether you’re with this guy or that girl.  You have plenty of time for a serious relationship when the time is right.  For now, enjoy making amazing friendships and having fun, because life is too short not to!  (Ok so that was a little long, but hey, it was my closing too!)

Lauren A. Caron

Uncomplicate Dating

  Dating is Unnecessarily Complicated                                                     by Erik Massenzio

#BringDatingBack

3 Tips to Bring Dating Back

Shocked and bewildered. That’s how I felt during my freshmen year of college as I watched my peers forego the remnants of the dating script they learned in high school. The first months of school were full of high school sweetheart breakups. What replaced these relationships was casual sex without commitment driven by a drunken party scene. The problem? Once students became invested in this scene, it was hard to get out, even when they found it unfulfilling and disappointing. This is the trap of hookup culture, a phenomenon fueled by the humanity in all of us; the drive for sex, but in this case, without commitment, trust, loyalty, feelings – just consent.

It seems to me and many people I talk to, that college students are afraid of dating. Students tend to follow one of two roads. They maintain an endless stream of “what ifs” in regards to romantic partnerships, always wanting something better than what they have. Or they remain afraid of the unknown life of commitment, hawking secondhand horror stories of unhappily anchored couples. Having survived college dating (despite the scariness) and now being happily married, I’d like to take a look back at some useful concepts that helped me get here.

1) Stop looking for “the one,” ­– that one person in the whole universe with whom you could ever be happy. That thought holds people back from good relationships, and ends in unsatisfied searching and in sadness. As in all things, if you find a good thing, keep it. Looking for greener pastures is only useful when accompanied by a measure of wisdom. Nobody is perfect. If people aren’t perfect, how can you expect your relationship to be?

2) Be intentional. It’s true fewer young people are “going on dates” these days – that’s why it’s so important. Being intentional means laying your cards on the table and making your romantic aspirations known. It can be scary to make yourself vulnerable when it seems like everyone else is playing games. But if something is difficult, that probably means it’s more worthwhile in the end. “Toughing it out” will mature you to where you need to be by the time you reach the end. You may also find it to be easier than you imagined.

3) Know who you are. As in everything you do, it is important to sort out the voices influencing your life that are not your own and find your own voice. This could take getting out of your comfort zone to do some lengthy reflection. But only then you will know what you truly want. Figuring that out and dealing with insecurities goes a long way towards conquering any fears about dating

I have found commitment in relationships generally merits respect from friends, coworkers, and family, even more so in today’s culture. Commitment is a way I have enriched my life, and I hope maybe this will encourage you to face your fears and pursue your romantic aspirations.

http://www.loveandfidelity.org/2016/02/18/3-tips-bring-dating-back/

Moving Forward in the New Year!

With the start of another new year… you know what comes along with that, NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS!!  It’s time to clean house, and maybe that means with your relationships too!?  If you’ve been thinking that things with your boo just haven’t been right and, “I’m just going to stick this out through the holidays and see if anything changes,” or I just don’t want to be alone through all the fun parties, or hurt their feelings with a “Merry Christmas and now I’m dumping you” kind of breakup, well then now might be the best time!  SO here are some telltale signs, it just might be time to move on.  Because after all, dating is supposed to be a fun, enjoyable time in yours teens, where you get to know the other person and learn more about yourself!  I’m definitely not saying that everything’s always going to be great and there’s never going to be challenges or things to work through… but if you’re spending half the relationship ‘working on things,’ then maybe they’re a great person, but just not great for you!

Here is some advice from Holly Ashworth, a Teen Advice Expert, that it might be time to do some dumping.  See if any of these reasons for breaking up apply to you and your sweetie, and if they do, start thinking about taking some action.

1. You've Been Hurt in Any Way

This is the only reason for breaking up that's totally unconditional. If your sweetie has been hurting you in any way - physically or emotionally - you must get out. Now. Seriously. If you're not sure if what's going on counts as abuse, check the signs.

2. You're More Sad Than Happy

Relationships aren't going to be all roses all the time, but they should bring a little joy to your life. If things are too frustrating or depressing and they're not balanced out by any good moments, get out while you still can.

3. You're Doing All the Work

If you're the one who's been making all the phone calls, planning all the dates and planting all the kisses, then you're not getting what you need out of this relationship (namely: some love and appreciation in return for all your hard work). There's a good chance your sweetie wants out but is too chicken to break up with you. Take the reins and do it yourself (as usual).

4. You've Been Cheated On

Once the trust is gone, there's no good reason to stay in a relationship. Besides, you deserve better than someone who can't keep it together enough to stay loyal to you.

5. You Can't Stop Thinking About Your Ex

Maybe you didn't give yourself enough time to get over your ex before dating again, or maybe you'll never be that into your current cutie, regardless of the timing. Either way, it's not fair to date somebody while you're pining so hard for somebody else. Break up, and either try things again with your ex or hold off till you meet someone even better.

6. Your Friends and Family are Rallying Against Your Relationship

A lone friend who's upset about your relationship might just be acting out of jealousy - but when all your friends are saying it, you should probably listen. They might be seeing something that you're too blinded by love to see yourself. This isn't a reason to break up right away, but at least talk to your friends and family and take their warnings seriously.

7. You've Cheated

If you cheat, it's a sign that you'd rather be single. Don't do your partner any favors by sticking it out. The sooner you break up, the less you'll both get hurt in the long run.

8. You Just Feel Like It's Time to Move On

You don't need any real, concrete reasons to break up, as long as you feel it in your gut. Just explain to your partner that things have changed and that you want to be single again. It won't be easy to do, but it'll be a whole lot better than staying in a relationship long after it's worth your while.

If you have any other questions, send us an email through our contact form and we’ll get back to you!

I Just Don't Know What to Do!

Are you feeling pressured or confused about how to make WISE, intentional decisions??  It’s best to know how you’ll handle a high stakes decision or situation BEFORE you find yourself in one.  It doesn’t matter how many times you say, “Oh, I would never do that…” fact is, you may find yourself in a position that you never thought was possible.  IF so, try to remember these steps below to help navigate a tough situation after it comes up.

First STOP

Try to stop or control the situation by using a stalling tactic such as checking your phone or sending a text, moving around in the room… or anything else that will help change the dynamic of the situation.

Next THINK

Ask yourself questions such as “What do I need to decide right now?  What are the positive/negative consequences to each choice?  How should I respond?”  Next work through the answers until you’re clear about how you feel and what you should do.

Lastly DECIDE

Make your decision with your dreams and goals for the future in mind.  You don’t want to decide anything on the fly that you might later regret.  Some decisions are reversible… but others can have lifelong consequences.  Later, talk with someone you trust about your decision, like your parents, a sibling or friend, and see if they have any additional input that could be helpful in carrying your decision out.  Decide- don’t slide.

MYTH VS. FACT

Think you're in-the-know about sex and can figure out fact from fiction? Put your knowledge to the test because we're about to separate fact from fiction and put some sex myths to bed. Here are some of the most popular myths we've heard about sex…

MYTH: Everyone is doing it!
REALITY: Don't believe everything you hear…it may seem like everyone’s doing it, but in reality, less than half (48%) of all high school students have ever had sex. (And actually it’s down to 37% here in NJ as of last year!) People lie and exaggerate and can talk a good game when it comes to sex. But in the end, it doesn't matter who's telling the truth or not. The only truth that matters is what's best for you.

MYTH: You're a prude if you want to wait until you're older or married.
REALITY: Actually, you're being pretty smart. Every person is unique and many teens decide to wait to have sex. The truth is that most teens who have had sex say they wish they had waited longer and the younger teens are when they first have sex, the more likely they are to regret it—and the less likely they are to use protection.

MYTH: Guys are always ready for sex.
REALITY: Guys may have a reputation for always thinking about sex, but, just like all stereotypes, that’s not necessarily true. Think about it—you may love playing soccer, but sometimes, you'd just rather go to the movies. In fact, 2 out of 3 guys say they’d rather have a relationship but no sex—how’s that for busting this myth!?

MYTH: Girls never pressure guys to have sex—pressure always comes from guys.
REALITY: Again, there's that stereotyping thing causing lots of trouble. Every person, and every combination of people, is different. Pressure can come from anyone, regardless of gender, sexual experience, or age. 1 in 5 guys say they’ve been pressured by a girl to go further sexually than they wanted to.

MYTH: You'll marry the first person you have sex with.
REALITY: Sadly, this one is rarely true. Even though your first love or the first person you have sex with feels like the one you'll love forever, the reality is that most first time sexual relationships are romantic but short-lived. 8 out of 10 first time teen sexual relationships last 6 months or less and one-quarter are one-time occurrences.

MYTH: Drinking and drugs make sex much more fun.
REALITY: If you're drunk or high, it's hard to make good decisions about sex. 20% of 15- to 17-year-olds say they have done something sexual while using alcohol or drugs that they might not have done if they were sober. It might seem fun to have your inhibitions washed away by alcohol or drugs, but that also means you could end up with something much worse than a hangover: a sexually transmitted infection (STI) or an unplanned pregnancy. People are also much more likely to be victims of rape and assault when substance use/ abuse mixes with sexual activity.

MYTH: You can't get pregnant the first time you have sex.
REALITY: If you are ovulating it doesn't matter if it's the first time or the hundredth time you've had sex, you can still get pregnant. You get pregnant when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Neither the sperm nor the egg care how many times you've had sex previously. The only way to avoid the risk of pregnancy is to not have sex at all.

MYTH: Girls can't get pregnant during their period.
REALITY: There is a chance that you can get pregnant if you have sex during your period. Once in the vagina, sperm can stay alive for several days—that  means that, even if the last time you had sex was three days ago during your period, you could now be ovulating and therefore you could get pregnant. It’s kind of complicated, so just remember this: ANY time you have sex you can get pregnant!

MYTH: You can't get pregnant if you've never had a period.
REALITY: You may ovulate 14 days before your first period so it is possible to get pregnant even if you haven't had your first period yet.

MYTH: There's no method of birth control that's 100% effective.
REALITY: Not having sex is a form of birth control and it is definitely 100% effective. If you aren't having sex, you can't get pregnant or get someone else pregnant. It's just that simple. Learn more about waiting.

MYTH: Drinking Mountain Dew will prevent pregnancy.
REALITY: The rumor that ingredients in Mountain Dew (and other popular sodas) lower guys' sperm count has been around for years, but the simple truth is that ‘Doing the Dew’ doesn't do anything to sperm. Drinking soda isn't going to do anything but maybe give you a cavity.

Hang Ups and Hook Ups

Text based relationships are all too familiar these days and can lack depth and be superficial, leaving many young people wondering if this is all there is to be desired.  The pervasiveness of technology has created an environment that has become a platform for teens to navigate their sexuality.  Strangers are dating before even meeting in person and connecting over messaging rather than face to face. We’re entering pseudo relationships and ending them before they ever really started or the second someone else messages us or gives us any attention with a winky face emoticon.  So is the relationship even real if you never spent any face time together… and I don’t mean Face Time or Skyping! The problem with today’s dating culture is that there really isn’t one!  Teens I talk to in high school or college are either hooking up or hanging out, but no one’s defining the relationship, having ‘the-talk’, or going on real dates to get to know each other!  This hook-up culture is leaving this generation Y “unhappy, sexually unfulfilled, and confused about intimacy,” according to a NY Times magazine article by Andrew Reiner on February 9, 2014.  He goes on to say that there’s a general fear of vulnerability and appearing needy.  They’re hoping that a relationship will just ‘simply unfold’ through hooking up.

So how do we teach a generation to find a real relationship with emotional intimacy before physical intimacy?  Well it’s not going to change overnight, but being aware of it and really challenging yourself to step out of the ‘norm’ and not be afraid to take a risk by really getting to know someone on a deeper emotional level is a start.  Sure, it might hurt more at the end if you really open up to someone about your innermost fears, dreams, desires, etc…  but is love even love if we don’t take that risk?  Also, be aware who’s around you each day and connect with people in person.  Don’t ignore the person sitting right next to you to chat with the stranger online.  Sometimes the greatest relationships can happen when we least expect it!  Nonetheless any relationship worth pursuing isn't just ‘going to happen’ without putting in the time and effort.  So it’s all about timing, and once you find that person worthy of your time and energy, don’t hesitate to give it your all and hope for the best!

Recognizing Your True Potential

We are all unique individuals, each with our own personality.  We all have our individual quirks, talents, goals and dreams! It’s important to take the time to search ourselves and really get to know who we are and what our special or unique talents are that we’re able to offer the world.  Sometimes we can don’t take the time to really recognize what sets us apart from everyone else and just how amazing we truly can be!  It can be easy to lose yourself in another person and make it hard to identify where one person ends and the other begins.  A few things can happen when we become so dependent on another person, we may find ourselves using the other person for what we can get out of them, or else we may fail to recognize our own potential and greatness.  So take some time and find out who you really are… what are some of the things that make you you? Get some time away and in those quiet, peaceful moments, what do you envision for your life?  What are your dreams for the future?  Where do you find your mind wandering to?  What are the things that you long to give back to this world?  Take some time to discover your own strengths and live each day to its fullest!

Let’s Have a Conversation…

Did you know that you can communicate with others without even saying a word?  Think about your body language for a moment, are you confident and look people straight in the eye when talking to them?  Do you have good posture and hold your head up high? Do you smile and use animated facial expressions?  “Talk” with your hands? What about your body language, are you connecting successfully?   Communication is one of the most important qualities of a healthy relationship, and it’s also one of the most important aspects of life and having your thoughts heard and understood!

So how do you know if you’re being understood and communicating effectively?  One good way to measure is by how your friends and family react to what you’re saying.  Are they comprehending what you’re trying to get across?  Do they often have to ask you to repeat things or explain yourself further?  If so, maybe you have to work on a new approach.  Ask someone you know and trust, who communicates well, to help you with this.  Better communication will also help bring down your frustration level and feel more understood… and eventually lead to healthier relationships!